Page 112 of Push

I took a steadying breath and stepped away from the doorframe. “No matter what you see, uh—” I tugged nervously on my T-shirt. “Just don’t worry about it, okay?”

“What on earth are you—”

Gwen’s eyes widened as I edged closer, and her mouth curved into a silent“oh”as she stared at theverynoticeable bulge in my pajamas. The shock seemed to lock her eyes exactly where I wished she wouldn’t look.

“Yeah.” I crossed my hands over my groin. “Ignore that.”

“You’re—but I’m—” She held out her top to look at it. Seeing more of her cotton knickers with the tiny bow at the top did nothing to improve the situation. Her eyebrows knitted together. “It’s just a ratty old T-shirt.”

I gulped. “Yeah.”

“It’s four sizes too big. It’s got holes in it.” She pointed at the trio of pinpricks where I could see the outline of one glorious boob peeking through.

Oh, sweet hell.

I screwed my eyes shut. “Please, doll, I’m trying to be a gentleman.” I dragged my hand down my face. “You’re sexy as hell, and it’s been a while since…any of that…”

Gwen rolled her eyes. “Not that long.”

I fought to keep my face neutral, but the stab of loneliness sliced deep. Not that long? A whole year. Silently, I climbed onto the bed beside her, and after she slid under the sheets, I tucked the comforter under her chin just the way she liked it. I didn’t sneak under. I found myself a cozy spot next to her with just enough space so she’d know I wouldn’t be trying any funny business.

“This okay?” I asked.

“I don’t want you to be cold. You can come under the covers.”

God, help me.“It’s probably best I don’t. Gentleman, remember?” I scooted closer but reached back, grabbed a pillow, and stuffed it over the embarrassing elephant in the room. “Is this okay?”

“I guess.” She rolled over to her side. She shimmied her pillow until it was puffed underneath her cheek. “Um, Toby?” Blue eyes blinked up at me.

“Yeah, doll?”

“It’s been a year, hasn’t it?”

Oh. She’d done the math, too. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Is that why you kissed Kayleigh?” Her voice wavered. “Because…we haven’t…?”

“It doesn’t matter if we haven’t slept together for fifty years. Forever, even. The kiss shouldn’t have happened.”

“You’re dodging the question.”

I sighed. “There arereasons, but I don’t want you to think I’m using them as excuses.”

“Just answer.”

“The answer’s complicated, I guess. I’ve talked about it a few times with Dylan.” Her soft breaths filled the silence while Itried to collect the right words. “The truth is, I kissed Kayleigh because she wanted me to. It was stupid, but I wanted a few seconds to feel like I wasn’t worthless. That I mattered.”

Gwen didn’t answer for a long time. “You always mattered to me.”

“I know.” I sighed. “It’s just…”

“What?”

“You floated away from me after you lost your job. We barely talked anymore, and every time I tried, we ended up in a fight. All the little touches, hugs, and kisses we shared were gone, too. I didn’t know how to tell if you still loved me when all that disappeared.”

“Of course I loved you. We said it—”

“Yeah. We said it. Quick at the end of every call. ‘Bye, I love you.’ It’s great, but it’s not the same for me.” I’d never been so glad for the darkness as I was then. I didn’t want Gwen to see how much it hurt to admit what I was about to. “You were the only person in the whole world who used to hug me, Gwen. My parents never did. Hell, Tanya would’ve punched me in the face if I asked her for a cuddle. Anyone can say a few words, but I knew you meant it because there was more. I liked the extras.” I sighed. “Wanna know what I miss the most? Out of everything?”

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