Page 139 of Push

“I don’t remember much about that night,” Toby explained. “But some bits… I wanted you to know what I could remember. It’s all there, Gwen. Everything.”

Everything.

Did I truly want to knoweverything?Could I sit there and read the moment Toby kissed Kayleigh? Did he like kissing her? Did he get all hot and bothered like he did around me when I wore my daggy old T-shirt and granny knickers? I wasn’t sure I could handle knowing that if he had.

But it was now, and it couldn’t be never. I’d already jumped. I was hurtling toward the ocean, unsure if I’d ever resurface once I crashed into the black waves waiting for me in those words.

The first two pages were no surprise. I knew the apathy and lies that led Toby to the party. He’d written about Kayleigh falling over herself—my thoughts, not his—because he hadn’t sat on his ass watching her set up as Ian had. Toby liked helping. He’d moved chairs, carried food and drinks, and filled the cooler with ice. Classic Toby.

I wanted to find my phone and leave. I was so freaking pissed off at Ian bailing on me. Eventually, I found the stupid thing wedged between some self-help books, but the battery was flat.

I was stuffing around in Kayleigh’s kitchen, trying to find a charger, when she asked me if I wanted a coffee. Nope!

Gwen.

Just a warning… It’s not good from here.

I turned to Toby. “How bad does it get?”

“Bad.”

“Anything you haven’t told me?”

“No… But we never…” Toby grimaced. “I never told you all the, um…” He swallowed. “The details.”

I nodded.Details.How many details could he write for “only a kiss”? How bad could it possibly be?

Kayleigh started getting handsy. She touched my arm and my back, and at some point, her fingers were stroking my hair. She was going on about how I was funny and good-looking.

I just about fell over because I had no idea she felt like that, and I was super uncomfortable.

Kayleigh asked when you last made me feel like you wanted me. I couldn’t remember. I thought about it, too. I felt like you hated me.

She put her arms around me, and she was right up next to my ear. She said something like, “I’ll make you feel like you matter.”

It felt good to hear someone wanted me.

Jealousy twisted around my chest and squeezed. I screwed my eyes shut and forced down as many deep breaths as I could, but it did nothing to stop the wave of nausea burning my throat. Pressing a hand over my mouth stopped the pain from escaping in some pitiful sound. Blurred eyes read the next words.

I put my hand on her hip and held her against me for a bit. She was kinda shocked, but she liked it, and I liked the way she looked at me—like she actually wanted me. She started touching me. Her hands were in my hair, and she started kissing me on my neck and my jaw.

I didn’t stop her. I liked the feeling of holding someone and having them hold me…

Blood roared in my ears, and the anger—the pain—surged from all the dark and lonely pockets where I’d safely hidden them away. Paper exploded into the air. I scrambled off the bed, crawling on my knees, frantically tearing at the pages.

“Gwen! Stop!”

I barely heard Toby’s voice or felt his fingers pry the paper from my hands. Huge gulping wails filled every inch of the bedroom. It was me. The pain bled out of me in sobs, like Toby had stabbed me through the heart. I’d never expected his words to hurt so bad.

He liked it.

I would’ve collapsed in a heap on the floor if strong arms hadn’t wrapped around me. I struggled, pushing against Toby’s chest, desperate to block all the thoughts screaming for attention and bury them deep down with the ones from a childhood I was so good at forgetting.

“I hate you!” I screamed.“I hate you!”

It was easy to lash out. I didn’t hate Toby. I loved him. We’d been joking an hour ago. We’d had a great day. We were a good team. But he threw everything away to feel wanted by a woman that—at least by his scrawled notes—he thought was a giant pain in the ass.

Toby didn’t let me go. Protective arms kept me close. “I’m so sorry I made you feel like that, Gwen,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry. You’re almost there.”

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