Page 140 of Push

“I don’t want to read one more word about how much you enjoyed kissing that evil little bitch when I was here falling apart without you!”

He rifled through the pages. “Okay.” He sucked in a big breath, but it didn’t seem to slow his breathing. “Okay. I’ll skip the kiss. But it’s important you hear the next bit, okay?” The papers shook violently in his hand. “Please.”

“Toby…”

“Please.” He glanced down, and taking another breath, he read the words aloud.“Nothing about kissing Kayleigh felt right. She wasn’t you. I shoved her off me. She…she…offered me…no strings attached, to keep it a secret, and I said no. Instantly. No hesitation. The pain…of the…of the guilt was indescribable.”A tear blotted the paper, and he hurried to swipe it away so he could keep reading.“I never thought I could be the type of man who’d hurt the woman I love so much, and I hated myself. It’s not a feeling that’s gone away.”His voice choked.“And I’m not sure it ever will.”

His hand fell. Reading time was over for now. His nose burrowed into my neck, and his shoulders shook, his sobs almost silent.

I turned, my hand cupping his tear-stained cheek. “Tobes?”

“Ye-yeah?”

“What’s in all the other pages?”

Sniffling, his tears were dealt with by a rough pass of his hand. “It’s the stuff that happened after that night. The times I saw her. Oh! And, um…” He forced a tight smile. “A letter I wrote you.”

“You wrote me a letter?”

He nodded. “Do you, um…” He fumbled through the crumpled pages. “You can read it…if…if you want.” He held out a single piece of paper.

My teeth buried in my bottom lip, I cautiously accepted the letter.

“Please, Gwen.”

Steeling myself with a big breath in, I slowly read his words.

My Gwen,

I don’t know exactly when or how we lost our way. Not a single day has passed in the last fifteen years when I didn’t love you more than anyone else in the entire world. Even as I wrote about moments with some other person who never mattered to me, even more memories ofyouwere impossible to forget.

We’ve shared so many perfect days.

The first time I held your hand. Our first kiss. The morning we snuck away from school and made love for the first time. Moving in together (even the part where you threw a roll of packing tape at my head). The day I married you. When I held your hand as our son joined us in the world.

And then there were the not-so-perfect days.

Every Christmas my mother treated you with so much cruelty. Every October 31stwhen you cried yourself to sleep over Liam being gone another year. When you held me the night my father died, and especially when you squeezed my hand so tight through his funeral so I could hold it together until we got back to the car.

But there’s one day I regret more than all the rest.

The day of the accident.

Part of me thinks that day needed to happen so I’d realize I’d forgotten you, and it was almost the end of this beautiful life we’ve created together. But a bigger part of me wishes that day never happened because I can see that, for you, it’s overshadowed all the others.

I made a terrible choice, not just on that day, but on so many others. I hurt you in a way I swore I never would.

If we’re lucky enough to become grandparents one day, that means I have at least 10,000 more days to prove you’re the woman I love.

Do you think that’s enough days to overshadow this year? Even if it’s not, will you let me try?

Yours. Always.

Toby.

44

She Went All In

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