Page 156 of Push

“I do. That’s why this hurts sofuckingmuch. Part of me still wants to hate him. I tried to. I chucked all his shit out. I got rid of him. And yet, whenever I look at him, I want to crumble in a heap and ask him why I wasn’t good enough anymore. He says I wasn’t the reason, but then he says he was lonely… Because ofme… The wayIacted. So, I was at least part of why he cheated.”

“Maybe some things in your relationship needed extra attention, but you weren’t the reason your husband cheated. Toby was the owner of that decision. Not you.”

“BecauseIwasn’tenough. And I hate that.I hate it!”

“Do you worry about that a lot? Being…enough?”

Did I worry? My chest tightened. Yes. Every day. Because Iwasn’tenough. Failure and self-loathing washed over me, the feeling settling in my stomach, torpedoing my breakfast back up my throat. I hatedthatfeeling even more.Weakness.

I swiped my eyes with the sleeve of my blouse.

Shit.

A streak of black was left behind. Waterproof mascara was another big fat lie.

A box of tissues slid across the coffee table. “Gwen, it’s okay to let yourself feel—”

“No, it’s not!” I snapped. “Every time I cry, I let his littlewitchhave power over me. She stole nearly a year of my life with Toby. She got to be with him when I wasn’t. He was mine, but hechoseher. Hekissedher. And helikedit. And why wouldn’t he? She’s rich. She’s fun and still has perky tits and a perfect ass, and she’s not wallowing in self-pity because she’s not a fuckingfailure.” I ripped a bunch of tissues from the box and dabbed them at my stinging eyes. “I never had anyone. My brother is so fucked up, and loving him was never enough to help him. I was never enough for him to stay. I wasn’t enough for Toby, either.”

I covered my eyes with my hand and forced down a deep breath. I needed to calm myself.

“You’re doing great, Gwen. Keep going.”

“I want to believe Toby loves me the way he used to when we first met,” I said. “But it’s hard to believe that.” I huffed out a breath. “Some days, it feels impossible.”

“Because of Toby’s infidelity?”

“Because I’m not the same person anymore.” I laughed, but it was brittle and bitter and ached in my soul. “And it’s funny, you know? I thought I lost myself about a year ago when I was fired from my job. But now, I don’t know if I ever truly knew myself. I’ve spent my entire life trying to be the person who looks like she’s got her shit together, but I never really have. My best friend looks up to me like I’m a grown-up. I’m confident on the outside. I know I’m great at my job. Sometimes, I even kid myself into thinking I’m a good mum. But at night, when it’s just me… My head’s a mess.”

“Do you want to understand the reasons?” Paula asked. “To tidy up the mess and make sense of what you’re thinking?”

I nodded cautiously.

“What about taking some of your power back and finding answers to whoyouare and whatyouwant for your life?”

I sat up straighter and eyed Paula warily. Was this another of her tests? “Is that even possible?”

“With time.” She smiled. “With hard work. And I don’t get the feeling you’re scared of a bit of hard work. So, if that’s what you want, I can help.”

I didn’t even think about it. “That’s what I want.”

Because under everything—despiteeverything—I wanted to be the best version ofme.

49

He Kissed His Wife

Toby

My phone buzzed inmy back pocket.

There couldn’t be a worse time to get a call—except in the middle of a whiz or something. My hands were full. Not with…that. Shopping.

Noah faced the world head-on, riding high in his baby carrier and charming all the ladies with his four-chomper smile. He had everyone in Paper Depot falling all over themselves to help us. Still, even with my little Casanova occupied, I struggled to balance the freshly printed clinic books, a bunch of flowers, and bags of surprises.

My phone kept buzzing. I glanced behind me at the never-ending waiting line for the cashier.Crap. But what if Gwen was calling?

I was already fishing my phone out of my pocket when I dumped my bags at my feet and scooted them to the side with the toe of my dress shoe. I mouthed a quick apology to thecashier and stepped out of the way so she could serve the next customer.

---