Page 76 of Push

“Are you trying to punish me, doll?” When I bit back a smile, Toby grunted. “Thought so. You’re letting me off light, don’t you think? I deserve worse than being force-fed a truckload of prosecco and creamed spinach, and you know it.”

I ran the tip of my index finger along the plaid lines of the blanket. “There’s nothing I could do that would hurt you as much as you hurt me.”

“I, um… Yeah. I… I know…”

My gaze stayed glued to the blanket. I could hear the hitch of emotion in his voice, but I didn’t look up to see if pain stung his blue eyes. I refused to feel guilty for telling him the truth. I hadn’t been on his mind when he’d ignored my messages to grab a coffee with Kayleigh instead. He hadn’t spared my feelings when he’d gone to the party or posed for the photo. I doubt he’d thought about me when he’d kissed her.

But how easy would it be to forget all that?

Could we go back to how things were before the wretch in the emerald dress skipped into our lives? What if we hopped even further back in time to the happy place where I’d been able to pretend I wasn’t a failure? It was only a window. Five years, maybe. We’d been so good then. Would Toby have betrayed me if I’d been more careful and kept that mask from slipping?

“Gwen?” A different type of wariness crept into Toby’s voice. “You stuck up in your thoughts?”

“Maybe.”

“Want to talk about it?”

I shrugged. “It doesn’t feel right anymore…” It didn’t feelsafe.

I tucked myself up into a ball in the corner of the blanket. This picnic was a terrible idea. It was too soon. Too much. I wasn’t calm. I wasn’t strong. It was all an act.

I was a fraud.

Putting on my suit and going to work had made mesomeone. I wasn’t Gwen, the kid who’d grown up in a broken home with a brother who’d pounded his fists into the walls because the pain of battered knuckles was easier to deal with than the nightmare of our mother. No, in the office, I was Gwen, the prosecutor, thefearless bitch who put bad guys in jail. I married the ideal man. I was the model wife and, later, the perfect mother.

If my mask slipped, even for a second, everyone would discover the truth. The dream life I’d tricked the world into handing me would be snatched away. No, it was more than that.Tobywould be snatched away.

He was belly laughs, patience, and the sweetest kisses good night. He was the boy who’d bowed before me and proudly declared I was his fair Lady Gwendolyn. He was the only person who’d ever said, “I love you.” He was my escape. My constant. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and the person I’d always been able to rely on—until he wasn’t.

The picnic blanket bunched as he shuffled closer. “Gwen, I… I’m sorry.”

My chin trembled. Was he?Really?I hugged my arms around my knees and curled tighter in my ball. There would never be anyone else for me but Toby. Did he understand that? Did he care? Wearing the vintage dress from the thrift store that Marnie had helped me take in, I’d stood beside him and vowed, “Until death we do part,” but the promise meant nothing if only one of us kept it.

The air stretched so tight between us, but truthfully, the tension had been winding up for years before Kayleigh had torpedoed into our lives.

I was to blame, too.

Lifting my head, I glanced at the stroller. My chubby baby happily slept with his thumb jammed in his mouth.Ourbaby. No matter what happened, Noah needed us to at least try.

I uncurled my hand from my knee and inched it closer to Toby. My fingertips hovered over the broken skin of his knuckles, and I darted a look up in time to see his eyes widen with surprise. He wasn’t expecting me to make the first move.

“What happened with Ian?” I asked.

Toby’s smile was more like a grimace. “Nothing good. He said—shit—” He dragged his good hand through his hair. “Ian said alotof stuff that hurt, but some of it… He wasn’t exactly wrong.”

“Like what?”

“He called me out for not treating you right and prioritizing the wrong things.” Toby’s laugh wasn’t a happy one. “When a traitorous bastard points out how shit your behavior is, it’s a massive wake-up call.”

My voice barely a whisper, I reminded him, “I warned you, too.” Too many times. “Shouldn’t that mean something?”

Toby’s chin dropped to his chest. His gaze disappeared to stare absently at the endless green. “Yeah, you did. I was just too stupid to listen. After I left Ian’s, I sat in the car for ages, just thinking about stuff. I’ve been stuck on this idea that someone should have set me straight before I made the choice I did. And they did.Youdid. But…honestly…” He heaved a sigh. “It was on me to see I wasn’t honoring you the way I should have. I’m owning what I did. I’ve got issues. It’s probably going to take some time to sort myself out with the psych.”

My eyebrows popped up. “You’re seeing a psychologist?”

Toby nodded. “I’ve got my first appointment next week. Wednesday morning. I didn’t tell you because I thought you’d think…” He lifted a shoulder. “I didn’t want you to think I was…stupid…or weak…”

“No way.” I was careful not to squeeze his bruised hand too hard. “I don’t think that at all.”

---