Page 93 of Push

“I don’t deserve to come inside.”

Other times he’d said something like that—usually with a bunch of flowers shoved in my face—I’d rolled my eyes or told him to get his head out of his ass. I didn’t this time.

Toby’s head sagged lower. “Remember how I promised I’d be careful? That I wouldn’t jeopardize our future?” A hollow laugh rattled his chest. “Guess what I did?”

My eyes drifted over his blood-stained shirt. “Not sure.” I tried to keep my tone light. I was channeling my inner Toby and downplaying the drama. This wasn’t the time for a lecture. “You took up ballroom dancing?”

Toby’s eyes lifted, red-rimmed and haunted, but a smile tugged at the corner of his lips. “The competition’s fierce, doll.”

I wanted to smile back to reassure him, but I couldn’t. My heart was as broken and bruised as his hand, but there was a twinge under my ribs, right where it hurt the most. I wanted to be steel all over and pretend seeing him with that tortured look in his eyes didn’t matter. But it did.

I scooted into the gap beside him. The white weatherboard dug into my back, but I was where I needed to be.

“Did Ian push your buttons?” I asked him gently.

Toby’s chin dropped to his chest. “I need you to believe me, Gwen. I tried.” He sighed. “Ian said such ugly shit to me. I saw red. And then”—he jabbed his index finger at the ground—“he went down.”

“Fists of fury, huh?”

Toby threw me a helpless look. “Gwen, Itried.”

This time, I managed to smile. The pinch between his eyebrows eased a little. “I believe you.” I did. “You couldn’t dodge Ian forever.” He couldn’t.

The two of them working together was a ticking time bomb. I never doubted Toby wanted to believe he could hold himself together and be the bigger person, but he had a twitchy trigger. He liked solutions. He wasn’t the type of guy who sat around planning things out. Hedidstuff. Sometimes, stupid stuff.

“Need a lawyer?” I asked. “I’ll chuck in a freebie.”

Toby managed another smile, but he shook his head. “Ian told Judy not to call the cops. He said that while he was spewing bullshit about his mission being to protect you, though, so who knows?” Frowning, he scrubbed his hand down his face. “Ian knew what he was doing, Gwen. Hewantedme to hit him. I just…” He puffed out a frustrated breath. “I don’t understandwhy. What did I ever do to him?”

Honestly? “I don’t know.”

“Well, if you’vegot no idea, what hope do I have of figuring him out? The only thing I’m certain about is his feelings for you.” He snorted a reluctant laugh. “Maybe he’s doing all this because I was the one who did enough push-ups to get the girl.”

“Your endless push-ups had nothing to do with why I agreed to go out with you.”

“You sure?”

I dignified that response by rolling my eyes.

“Oh?” he teased. “Should I demonstrate—”

“Toby Sullivan, don’t youdare.”

His smile was smug. “Yeah, ’cause we both know you’ll get those little pink patches right here.” He pressed his finger into my cheek even though I glared at him. “Just like you did back then.”

I narrowed my eyes.Goofball. “Clearly, you’re feeling better.”

Toby shook his head. “I screwed up so bad. I let you down. I let myself down.” He sighed. “You know me. Humor. It feels easier to make jokes because I don’t know how to fix what I did.”

My head tilted. Was he talking about punching Ian, or what happened with Kayleigh? Toby looked at me, eyes questioning but sadder than I’d ever seen. Yeah. Thought so. This was about Kayleigh.

“How doyoudeal with what I did?” he asked.

“I…don’t.” Usually, this was the point where I’d clamp my lips together and refuse to say another word. We’d promised not to hide things from each other anymore, but I didn’t know if Toby was ready to hear how I felt. “I’m angry. I’m lost. I put on a brave face for Marnie and work and the stupid girl at the café who always gets my coffee order wrong. I’m not as strong as everyone thinks. I’m in a hundred pieces. You were the person closest to me in the whole world, and you abandoned me—”

“Gwen, I never—”

“Youdid. You chose Kayleigh over and over again. I didn’t act like a saint, but Ialwayschose you.”

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