Page 11 of When Love Gives You Lemons
the earth shifts
and ground settles
before the aftershock.
—is the calm,
after the rain,
the quiet erosion;
the promise of a future
is what grows after.
—isn’t second-guessing,
it’s knowing
to measure twice
and cut once
is “I love you” enough to sustain?
Chapter 2
(Present Day, Again!)
Wishin’ and Hopin’ and Thinkin’ and Prayin’ and Doin’ My Best to Avoid a Panic Attack!
And that’s the end of the sad, shitty part of my life, folks!
Kidding.
If that were true, I wouldn’t be here, one year, two weeks, and three days later—not that I’m counting—still on the edge of my bed.
The mere mention of Ricky is enough to send me into a tailspin. Mostly because I think about him daily, dreaming about all the ways I could get him back.
Pathetic, I know.
Breathe, Fielder, breathe.
Topher keeps calling.
Ignore. Send to voicemail.
I can’t believe Topher never told me he was dating Sienna DeLuca.
My older cous-brother is not only dating, but alsoengagedto the older sister of the love of my life-slash-guy who dumped me. I know it shouldn’t, but it feels like a betrayal that he didn’t tell me, warn me. Attending this wedding will put me face-to-facewith Ricky before I’m ready. Topher knew what Ricky did, how much I loved Ricky, how he dumped me without warning, left without a goodbye.
I’m brought back to that morning, so vividly. The warmth of the sunlight contrasting how cold and desolate I felt. I didn’t know what to do. How to move without him. I wandered around Topher’s mansion alone, from room to room without purpose, searching for something to help make sense of what happened, how everything went so wrong. I was numb. I blocked Ricky’s number and all his social media accounts: Snap, Insta, Clock App,everything. It wasn’t until Topher arrived that night that I fully fell apart, and he held me as I sobbed nonsense. After a few days of getting blasted with Topher on the beach and feeling sorry for myself, he told me I needed to pull myself together because I needed to show Ricky I was better than “this.”
I reread Ricky’s poem “Clarity” until the words blended together. Nothing made sense. Ricky’s excuses didn’t make sense. It felt like he was running away from me. He was scared. It didn’t excuse his behavior, but maybe it meant that deep down, he still loved me.
I held on to that thought tightly. It eventually evolved into a vision board with a six-step plan to prove Ricky wrong and win him back. Complete with magazine cut-outs (like a serial killer) and old pictures of us, I hung it above my desk, adding to it as new ideas come to me:
Grow my Clock channel to monetize it to prove content creation is acareer,not just a “fun” hobby
