Page 32 of When Love Gives You Lemons
“No!” I hop to my feet and dash to the bathroom, dab a clean end of the washcloth under the faucet, and wipe the ring clean. When I’m sure it’s free of blood, a sigh of relief escapes my lungs so strong I nearly collapse into the vanity.
“What’s the big deal? It’s just a ring,” Matty asks from the doorway.
“It’s not just a ring. Do you remember after Ricky and I got together, and we spent New Year’s with Topher in LA?”
“How could I forget that wild house party? I got so wasted,” Matty says. “Our moms would kill Topher if they knew. We were way too young.”
I laugh. “That was my first time with Ricky.Ourfirst time.”
His eyes bug. “Oh. You never told methat!”
“You weren’t out yet, and it felt weird telling you that part, and anyway, that’s not the point. After, he looked at me and said, ‘Promise me we’ll always be together?’ He pulled a ring off his finger and slipped it onto my thumb.” He had thick fingers, so it only fit my thumb.
“Zaddy.” Matty’s line of sight goes straight to the ring. “A little piece of Ricky and Fielder canon.”
“Ricky made it, carved it in his nonno’s workshop the summer before freshman year, before we got together.” It’s exquisite, too—not only did he make a ring out of freaking oak, but he also fit it into a mold with tiny tigereye gemstones and used resin to bond the materials, and then buffed it so it’s super shiny. It’s gotten a bit dull over the last three and a half years, because I rarely take it off. Except on the plane.
“Naïve, huh?Alwaysdidn’t even last high school.” I lower my voice. “What am I doing?”
“Finally confronting the reality of your breakup?”
“Which is?”
“That you’ve spent the last year doing everything you could to prove to Ricky that you’re good enough for him. Everything has been for him. Built up your Clock channel to prove him wrong. Went to the gym to make him drool when you finally saw him.” He pauses. “What aboutyou? What’s beenfor you?”
“When you put it like that, I sound pathetic.” Have I been stunting my own growth this entire year, molding myself into the kind of person Ricky wanted rather than the kind of person I want to be, for myself?
“No, I didn’t mean it like that.”
I put the ring back on my thumb. “I don’t want to move backward.”
All the thoughts swirling inside my brain get tangled. I wish, for once, something in my life would make sense. Out of everything I’ve endured—Dad’s death, having to work away my high school years in restaurants and not getting to be a regular kid because I was worried about Ma’s bills, breaking the news to Ma, Nonna, and the rest of the very judgmental Coven that college wasn’t for me, living in Topher’s very successful shadow—Ricky abandoning me has proven the most impossible season to weather.
Maybe it’s because I’m a seed that can’t bloom without the right conditions—and the right conditions are Ricky DeLuca.
I owe it to myself to see if there’s anything left ofus, the dreamer and the woodworker. He said it himself in his poem:our“buds bloom again.” No question mark.
Once my hand is cleaned up and we’re ready to go, notifications start to roll in on my latest Clock video, and my heart drops.
All the comments are about Ricky.
How much they love him, and speculating aboutusin some way.
My followers areeating.It. Up.
Likes roll in faster than I can keep up with. One user in particular, @AmITheDrama, has been a constant commenter for months now, but has gotten more and more negative and gossip hungry over time as they’ve gone back and watched old content. I constantly get notifications from Clock videos I posted years ago. I often wonder who’s behind accounts like that.
Ignoring Matty, I scroll through at double speed for answers. And there he is. Ricky. On the PJ in the background. In the airport. Behind me as I shot selfie footage in front of the Piazza del Duomo in Amalfi. Staringatme. How did Inotnotice? A burst of hope warms my chest. Maybe I do have a shot.
“Earth to Fielder. Topher’s welcome dinner.”
I grip tight to Ricky’s ring. The universe is telling me I’m moving in the right direction. Toward Ricky. Seeds planted. All that’s left is to follow through.
If I can be patient and confident (two things I’ve never been), Cam will be toast.Should bethe hardest thing I’ve ever done, holy shit I’m sweating through my shirt, is it too late to bail?easy!
Chapter 9
Say a Little Prayer: Nel nome del Padre, e del Figlio, e dello Spirito Santo, Amen!
