Page 93 of When Love Gives You Lemons
Knowing he’s not, I ask again, “Are you okay?”
“Ask me Monday?” His face falls, then rebounds with a patented Matty trademark smile. Ear to ear, dimples, balled cheeks, eyes blinking away tears he’d rather ignore.
I want to tell him to protect himself, his heart, to say everything he needs to say before it ends, but I know that’s not entirely possible. The hardest part of falling is realizing that the fall means opening yourself up to the possibility of heartbreak. There’s no protection for that, no magic formula, only trust you’ll survive the crash.
The captain announces we’ve arrived at the faraglioni.
“Love you, Matty.”
“Love you, too, Field.” His lips twitch like they do when he’s about to cry, but he bites it back. “Go find Ricky. Do what you came here to do.” Despite what happened between us in the grotto, Ricky is still with Cam. Maybe we’re finally in the same place, but at the right time? There are still so many obstacles to jump. That’s the scary part about love. It’s a leapbothpeople must take. “Make your big speech about how much you love him and want him to choose you, and then kiss him under the Tuscan sun, call him by your name, or whatever.” With a playful punch to my gut, he walks off toward the sounds of splashing and laughter.
Right on cue, Ricky emerges from the side of the boat. “There you are.”
We’re alone.
This time, I’mdonefading to black.
At the same time, we both say, “We have to talk.”
RICKY DELUCA
“Getting What You Deserve Is Unfair”
“I can’t believe I missed the Blue Grotto.” Cam is waiting for me the second Fielder and I return from the grotto, my T-shirt draped over his shoulder.
“On the bright side, you’re no longer green.” My peripheral follows Fielder, and my stomach twists in guilt.
Cam grips his abdomen. “I don’t think I could have handled a teeny-tiny boat rocking back and forth in a cave.” He burps and hands me my shirt. I pull it over my head. He continues, “How are you not dying? The rocking from those small boats would’ve taken me out.”
“I took the Dramaminebeforewe left the villa.”
“Add that to my list of bad decisions,” he jokes, but there’s a pain behind his eyes. Am I on that list of bad decisions he’s made—does he regret meeting me, becoming my friend, coming to the hospital that night when I needed someone, telling me he loved me at Snow Lake, coming to Italy?
“Wanna go for a walk?” I ask.
“If my sea legs don’t give out.” He wobbles a bit, grabbing hold of the nearest railing, but I reach for his arm.
“I got you.” I thread my arm in his and steady him as we walk toward the bow of the yacht, ambling slowly, feeling the cool breeze.
“Thanks.” He leans his head against mine for a brief second. “How was it?”
“I can’t believe a place like that exists in real life. It was like a fantasy movie. It—”
“No,” he stops me. “With Fielder.”
“I, uh—”
“I have to imagine it was nice to be alone with him. Experience that with him. After everything you two have been through.” There’s no judgment in his voice, and I’m immediately brought back to the nights we spent in his dorm streaming movies before we started dating, the way he would listen to me and ask questions so intently. I never gave too much because I didn’t know how, but he never stopped trying.
“You don’t have to—” I say.
He stops walking and pivots to the side of the boat. It’s private here; nobody can see us this high up. He leans over the edge, and I worry he’s about to throw up, so I place a hand on the center of his back and lean into him, but he takes a deep breath and says, “I always wanted somebody to love me the way you and Fielder love each other.” He turns toward me.
A single tear streams down his cheek.
“I really wanted that with you,” he says. “You made me feel like I was a part of something really special. I liked how practical you were, and how much you love your family. I was so excited tocome here and meet your family after hearing so much about them. I like how you came across as someone who knew exactly who you were—this guy who was a woodworker, deals in measurements and facts and had his head on straight, but honestly, Ricky, you always avoid having any sort of firm commitment conversation. You won’t define me as your exclusive boyfriend, but we’re in a relationship? You brought me to a family wedding in Italy, and I thought maybe you finally loved me the way I love you, but you’re further away than ever. I just feel like I’m constantly swimming upstream and can’t catch my breath. Meanwhile you’re onshore with Fielder.” He trembles and bites back his bottom lip. “I’m tired.”
Maybe it’s the way he sees right through me, or how vulnerable he’s being right now, but just as I’m reconnecting with Fielder, I’m realizing I could be losing a potentially great future with Cam. Isn’t that why I ended my relationship with Fielder in the first place, to find myself? To find out who I was without Fielder?
