Page 94 of When Love Gives You Lemons
If I go backward now, will I know who I can become—withoutFielder,withCam?
All this time, I was afraid to truly commit to Cam out of fear I could never love him—or anybody—the way I loved Fielder. And maybe that’s true. But I never allowed myself to try.
Taking my thumb, I wipe his cheek. “Cam.”
I keep it there, holding his face.
He doesn’t look up.
“Cam,” I whisper. “Look at me.”
He shakes his head. “I’m afraid.”
“Of what?”
“What happens next.”
My chest pangs and I sigh.
“Not of being alone,” he says. “I’ve been alone my whole life.” It makes me so despondent whenever Cam talks like this because he has six brothers and sisters, and when I think about growing up with Sienna in a small house with Mom, Dad, and Nonno, loneliness as a concept didn’t exist. “I don’t want to lose you.”
“I don’t discard people,” I say.
“Promise?”
“Cam.”
Breathless, he reaches out for me, and I move in closer, my hand still on his cheek.
He kisses me and the yacht disappears.
Just as quickly, he pulls away. “I need you to make a decision.” He kisses my cheek softly and walks away.
I bury my face in my hands and slink down to the floor.
What do I do?
Who do I choose?
Which path is the right one?
It’s like I’m right back where I was a year ago, unsure of everything, regret building in my chest; the pressure to be precise in my movements now makes my hands tremble.
Theclip-clopof flip-flops jolts me upright.
Benny. He narrows his eyes at me. “You’re playing with fire, you know.”
“Huh?” I try to play dumb, but he’s smart.
“You shouldn’t be kissing your ex in a grotto and telling him you love him, then kissing your boyfriend,” Benny says matter-of-factly. “Boyfriend? Far be it from me to tell you how to live your life. I’m only an elder single fag. Get your house in order.”He taps me on the shoulder and continues walking on as the captain announces we’ve arrived at the faraglioni.
How does Benny know what happened between me and Fielder? Did Fielder run and tell everybody? I think maybe Cam’s right. It’s time I make a decision.
The second I emerge from the side of the boat, I see Fielder, talking to Matty.
I wait for Matty to leave before walking up to him.
At the same time, we both say, “We have to talk.”
