Page 2 of So Lethal

“But it has worked. The Messenger Killer is no longer murdering people. Or do you believe there is another reason for that?”

“No, the public exposure is probably the greatest contributing factor,” Faith admitted, a little reluctantly, “but we still haven’t caught her.”

“And you believe it is entirely your fault?”

“No, I’m just saying that I messed up.”

Dr. Keraya leaned back and crossed her arms. This was a sign that she was preparing for an argument. “My concern with you, Faith, is that you always take responsibility for everything that happens around you. Your pursuit of the Messenger Killer is a team effort, yet you insist on taking full blame for the fact that she is not in custody yet. You consider yourself responsible for West’s murder of your mentor, the murder of your former Marine colleague, and the beating of your boyfriend. You believe that you failed to notice him when he was your therapist, and that your failure is the reason he was able to remain at large for so long.”

“I know it’s not my fault,” Faith replied. “I’m just upset that it happened. It’s frustrating that I didn’t see it for so long.”

Dr. Keraya waggled a finger again. “You see. Once more, you’re upset that it happened, and in the next breath, it’s frustrating that you didn’t see it.”

“Well, it is. It doesn’t mean I think I’m a bad person.”

Dr. Keraya leaned forward and set her notepad on the table in between her chair and Faith’s. Faith resisted the urge to sigh and roll her eyes. Whenever Dr. Keraya set her notepad down, she was going to be stubborn and insist on something Faith didn’t want to hear. She wondered if Dr. Keraya analyzed her physical responses the way Faith analyzed Dr. Keraya’s.

I can psychoanalyze too, doctor, she thought with a brief internal chuckle.

“This is our fifth session, Faith,” Dr. Keraya said. “In all of our sessions, whenever I try to approach your problem with self-blame, you throw up straw men to avoid the argument. You’re blaming yourself for not catching the Messenger, not saying you’re a bad person. You’re blaming yourself for West’s elusiveness, not saying you’re a complete failure. You’re blaming yourself for not being ready to marry your boyfriend, not saying you’re a shitty girlfriend.”

“I’m not sure I see your point,” Faith replied.

“My point is that you create worse effigies of yourself and say, ‘Well, hey, I’m not that bad.’ In so doing, you are refusing to face your true self-perception. You might not consider yourself evil, but you carry a great deal of guilt for what you perceive to be failure, and you stubbornly refuse to consider that what you believe to be failure might not actually be failure. So I have to ask: why do you find self-recrimination so comfortable?”

Faith didn’t reply right away. How on Earth did they get from her frustrations about the Messenger case to a claim that she despised herself?

She shook her head and clapped her hands together. “I… I mean… Wow. Sorry, I’m really kind of thrown by that question. Um… I’m not… looking for an excuse to hate myself. Is that what you’re asking?”

Dr. Keraya leaned back in her chair. “I’m not suggesting that you hate yourself. I’m suggesting that you feel more comfortable blaming yourself for things outside of your control than you feel accepting that some things are simply not within your control. You and your partner cannot control how the Messenger Killer will react to having their love letters with West exposed. But you blame yourself because they didn’t react the way you wanted them to. You cannot control how Franklin West behaves, but you blame yourself because he fled justice and murdered your friend.”

“I don’t… I’m not… I mean, I’m not saying it’s my fault that he’s a murderer. Or that they’re murderers. I just…” Faith sighed and rubbed her temples. “I’m just mad that what I tried didn’t work.”

“But that’s not what you said,” Dr. Keraya insisted. “You said that you messed up.”

“Well, yeah, if I try something, and it doesn’t work, then I messed up. What I tried was the wrong thing to try. What would you say?”

“I would say that what I tried didn’t work.”

Faith threw her hands in the air. “How’s that different?”

“Because when I say that something I tried didn’t work, I acknowledge that my attempt didn’t produce the results I desired. When I say that I messed up, I state that the attempt itself was a mistake.”

“I’m still not following.”

“It is fine to believe that you made an error in judgment, Faith. It is not fine to believe that every time you act and don’t receive the results you desire, it’s due solely to your failure. Especially when success relies on the actions of other people, actions you cannot control even if you want to.”

Faith rolled her eyes. “That’s my job, though. I hunt bad guys. It’s my job to know how they think and outthink them so they can’t hurt more people.”

Dr. Keraya sighed. “I will not argue with you any more today. This is a difficult problem to approach, and I admit that I can’t understand the struggles you face as an investigator. But we will talk more about this. I believe that you carry a lot of misplaced guilt, and I believe it is that guilt that lies at the core of your concerns over your work and your personal relationships.”

The timer on the table chimed, and Dr. Keraya smiled and said, “In any case, that is the hour, so you escape my probing regardless.”

Faith offered a half-smile in return. That seemed to satisfy Dr. Keraya. The two of them stood, and Dr. Keraya shook Faith’s hand. “I will see you next week. Your homework between now and then is to make a list of things you believe you are guilty of.”

Faith raised an eyebrow. “You want me to work on being less guilty by focusing on everything I feel guilty about.”

“I want you to confront your guilt instead of remaining comfortable with it,” Dr. Keraya countered. “But we will talk more next week. Have a pleasant day.”

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