Page 84 of Rudra Nandani: The Saga of Control And Seduction

The look of agony that glistened in his eyes before our wedding, the distress I saw on his face for his fellow soldiers after our wedding. And even though the physician’s vague judgement bothered me, I gradually came to realise that he didn't sleep with me, he never did.

Had a man, practising celibacy for ten years, intercourses with a woman, there was no way she'd be able to walk the very next day, especially when the man was as robust as he was. With how he made me feel, I could imagine how difficult it would be to be in bed under him.

My flesh crawled at just the thought of it.But would he ever do that? Will he ever love me? I wondered.

“Will you ever love me?” I almost whimpered at the stinging sensation when he harshlygroped my breasts.

?? ? ? ?

? Rudra ?

Ifelt my control hanging on a loose thread, just an inch away from falling apart.

Her scent, her voice, and long curls cascading on her tiny waist were all irresistible.

My hand instinctively began to play with her delicate skin. And the way she reacted to my touch, with moans, all of her, started clouding my understanding.

Never in my whole life had I thought that my thoughts would get stirred so much by a woman, a girl, to be precise, a tiny, young and sometimes immature girl.

Her lips were swollen and her cheeks bloomed with crimson, her body felt warm, and her hair was dishevelled from my torture. Yet the loose tresses falling on her front couldn’t mask that purple mark I gave her the night before on her cleavage line.

Looking at her in that state, subject to me, I felt taken away enough to reconsider my celibacy. I looked into her eyes and muttered,“No.” I mouthed the answer over her lips.

Hurt flashed across her face as she pushed me away with all her might, causing me to lose my balance and fall onto the settee. She immediately put on her dupatta, hiding herself from my view, and stepped down from the table.

“I will not either,” she said, trying to walk away, but I pulled her back by her waist and made her sit on my lap.

“I already do.” The moment I said so, her face was layered with shock.

“You love me?” She asked, tilting her head to one side, her face struck with confusion. I hugged her tighter and pressed my lips to her collarbones. A soft whimper left her mouth.

“Yes, I do,” I accepted, closing my eyes, trying to convey my true feelings.

“I can remain celibate for another decade for you, Nandani. I can kill for you and get killed. I can win kingdoms and lose them for you. I can create a whole new world and reduce this entire world to ashes for you. I really can,”

I swept my palm against her naked back and pulled her even closer in my embrace. Her heart beat wildly. Yet I didn't stop, I couldn't stop.

“But I cannot see you working for anyone. I don't want you to change for me and adjust to my practices. I can't see your face flickering with hurt. I can't stand the sight of your eyes, full of admiration, looking at someone who’s not me. I cannot see you smiling in front of anyone but me. I can’t see you love someone but me,” I said and felt her shiver in my hold.

“I take full responsibility for what I did, and I'm ready to apologise for all my life, night and day, every moment until you tell me to stop. This is how much I regret my actions,” I confessed, feeling the muscles on her back flexing.

“Rudra,” she whispered, trying to stop me.

“Shhhh… let me speak today,” I cut in and lowered my lips to her ear. She slanted back her head slightly, and I continued,“I didn't like you when I first met you. I thought you were a spoiled, egoistic princess, blinded by the power of being a royal who looked down upon their subjects. So, I made a plan, a trap to make you fall for me. I began spending time with you, and as the days passed, I thought I was succeeding in my plan because you started liking me as I wanted. However, in the process, I got to know a great deal about you and your mannerisms—how you respect your elders, how you take your time for your lessons, and how you help the servants in the kitchen because you enjoy cooking for your family. Above all, I saw how you approached the commoners to listen to their problems and to understand them. During the three months I spent in your palace, you never made me feel any different from you. Then, one day, when you were late and I was waiting for you, I came to a realisation that I wasn’t winning; rather, I was losing at my game.” My voice faltered by the end, and she kissed my ear softly and asked,“Then?” I stroked her back gently, feeling her softness.

“I realised I wasn't just trapping you; you were becoming myhabit. At that moment, it struck me how consuming your presence was for me. I felt the wall of my control cracking, which I built with so much effort for eight years. And so, like a coward, who couldn't deal with his emotions, I ran away,” I said, and she held my arms, trying to look at me.

“You're not a coward,”

I gulped, holding her tighter.“I am. I was and probably always will be,” I said, and she shook her head.“No,” she said, and I went on.

“I was a coward because I adopted shortcuts to win over your empire. I was a coward because I couldn’t control the feelings that had started developing for you. And then I showed cowardice again when I chose to run away from my feelings, from you. I was a coward because I was losing, yet I kept on with my controlling game for another two years, burning myself in the fire, drowning myself under the depth of the river. I tried to control my pain by hurting myself, tried to conquer my fear by climbing heights, tried to kill my hunger by starving for hours. I did everything, every damn thing, that my master taught me. Things that would help me become a better person and a better king. I tried to control my anger and my brain to keep myself in check and achieve my goals. But, nobody ever told me how to control my memories, how to control my heart, which has immense love for my mother, which has utter hate for your parents and which beats for you, Nandani.” My eyes were closed as I opened my heart to her. She pushed me lightly to look at me and caressed my cheeks.

“You are not a coward, you are my king. You always were,” I shook my head.

“This isn't as simple as it seems, little wife. I’m not sure, but I’ve never been like this. I was never this impulsive, this possessive. I was never insecure and wasn't scared of anything. I never opened up to anyone like I did today. I wasn’t ever like this. I’m still striving to focus on my goals, rebuilding this empire and ending the miseries that the people of Suryagarh have endured for almost three decades now. But every time I look at you, I lose my control. The more I try to restrain my emotions, the more they slip through my hands, as anger, as possessiveness, as hunger for you,” I elaborated, playing with her hair strands, and she started trembling, listening to me.

“I feel so damn hungry for you, Nandani. You do not know… You have no idea how I try to control myself around you. You are my death, little wife,” I uttered on her lips, pulling her even closer.

---