Page 21 of Only Temporary

“She tried, Kellan,” she says it so softly, and I can hear the pity in her tone.

“Tried?” I bite out because I’m quickly losing control. “How the fuck did she try exactly? I don’t remember her going to one fucking meeting. I don’t remember a time when she was sober. I remember getting you all off to school while she was passed out on the couch. I remember keeping the scumbags she brought home off of us. All of us.” I grit my teeth and try to take a deep breath, but it feels like my chest might explode. “I remember getting shifted around from foster home to foster home, trying to track you all down and keep Mom sober enough to pass inspection to get you guys back, so I could watch you.”

“Yeah, and then you left us.” I hear Cason’s voice from my doorway before he walks further in to stand next to Raegan in a protective stance. “You think you’re better than Mom?”

My eyes fall closed momentarily as I try to go over all the bullshit AA and NA phrases they teach us to get through difficult situations.

“You think he’s not?”Tatum.He walks into my room and stands by my side, facing my brother and sister head-on. “He got clean.”

“She tried,” Cason says, his jaw clenched tight. He looks like he just got out of the shower. His hair is wet, but he’s dressed in black jeans and a black button-down shirt. “After you left, she tried. She was in too deep.”

“What does that mean?” I watch my brother and wait for his response.

“She went to some meetings. She tried to clean up, but it didn’t work. She was too young when she had you, Kellan. And with each of us, it was like she lost another piece of herself. She was too far gone.”

“She shouldn’t have kept having us then,” I say angrily. “She didn’t want us. Any of us.”

I feel Tatum’s hand on my shoulder, gripping tight, and I bite back my words.

“She loved us,” Raegan says, and how the hell can she believe that? I don’t get it. How can they think our mother cared?

“No, she didn’t,” I say firmly.

Cason just shakes his head while Raegan tips her chin up in defiance and looks me right in the eyes. “Yes. She did.”

We all stand in a strange sort of frozen standoff for far too long before Kieran comes in and whines about it being time to go and how we’re going to be late. It seems to break up the moment, and we all shuffle to get everyone dressed and out the door. We go to the church, and I sit through the memorial for our mother.

Her framed picture from when she was a teenager is up by the urn. It was the only picture I could find where she looked halfway sober, but I knew she wasn’t. I don’t remember a time when she wasn’t at least a little bit high.

There are a few other people here besides us, but not many. No love lost today. Except I look at my four siblings, and I see that’s not true. They did love her. They needed her, and she just left them behind.

It’s not fair. None of it is fair.

They deserved so much better, and now they’re stuck with me, and I’m just... broken. I look at her picture, next to the urn that holds her ashes, and I feel nothing.

I want to drink. I want to use. I want to go numb, but for some reason, even after the funeral, when the kids are in their room and Tatum went to go get dinner for us, I know I could sneak out and get high, but I don’t.

I see Phillip’s face, and I hear his determination. He thinks he can make me trust him. I trust no one.

But it didn’t faze him in the slightest.

He’s so sure he can get me to open up to him, and for some reason, I want to. I want to call him right now and tell him all the things I’m feeling. Have him talk me down.

Shine that beautiful smile my way.

What the hell is that about?

TEN

“So, how was the funeral?”

“So great! Lots of fun!” I wish I could say that Cason’s answer was the most over-the-top, but I think Reagan holds the record. She even did a cheering motion.

I refrain from smiling and sigh softly. “It’s hard saying goodbye to anyone, but especially a parent.”

Cason just slumps back in his chair, his right leg crossed over his other, and he’s picking at the rubber on his sneaker, not looking at me.

“I’m here to listen.”

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