Page 28 of Only Temporary

I drop my feet to the floor and sit up a little, something in his tone wreaking havoc on my insides. Something is for sure wrong. “What?”

“It’s her birthday, asshole,” he says, standing up and probably ready to leave the room before I can respond.

Her birthday? No. No. No.I pull out my phone and look at the date.Shit!“Cason...”

“What?” His eyes are cold, angry, and bitter. “Why the hell are you surprised you forgot? This is what you do, Kellan. You fuck things up.”

I take a deep breath and try to say the alphabet in my mind over and over because for some reason that helps relax me—which I know is weird, but whatever works. I can’t run to the vices I used to rely on, even though it feels like my skin is about to slake off and I’ll be left a crumbling mess on the floor at any minute. Just begging for something to numb me. “I barely know what month it is right now, let alone what day. Can you cut me a little slack?”

The ugly sneer on his face tells me what I already knew before I even voiced the question. Cason will never cut me any slack. I don’t deserve it. I know that, but goddammit, I’m drowning here. I look back toward the bedrooms, and my heart pangs with painful guilt.

“I didn’t mean to forget her birthday. It was a long week.”

“Right.” He shoves past me, his shoulder checking mine hard, but I don’t let him just go. I can’t. I hate the way my brother looks at me.

“You trusted me once.” My throat is tight, the words barely making it out, but he stops walking and turns around to face me.

“I did. A lot of good that did me, huh?”

“Cason...” I say softly, not sure what the hell to say. Knowing that nothing I can say will make it any better.

“I remember my eighth birthday.” The memory is foggy, but I start to bring it to my mind as he continues with his watery, angry eyes on me. “Mom forgot. Of course she did. High out of her mind. She didn’t even come home that week, but you didn’t forget.” I try to swallow down the raw emotion, the sound a choked sob because I remember. “You swiped one of those Little Debbie cakes and a pack of birthday candles from the gas station.

I nod my head slowly. Stealing isn’t good, I know, and I was pretty messed up myself by then, but I didn’t have any money. No way to get money—or at least no good way. I told myself I’d pay back Mrs. Finigan, who owned the gas station. But I couldn’t let Cason’s eighth birthday go by without something. “I remember.”

“I remember thinking my big brother would always be there for me. That it would be okay because Kellan would make it okay.”

“I’m sorry I left.”

He ignores my apology again. “Iwas there. Every birthday. I made sure they had something, even if it was shitty.” He points to his chest, his voice rising. “Iwas there.Me.” He looks back toward Raegan’s room and then back at me, his teeth clenched and his jaw tight. “And today, I fucked up.”

My heart stutters in my chest, and I suck in a deep breath when it registers what he’s trying to tell me. He’s mad at me, of course, but he forgot this time too. He’s really pissed at himself. “Cason...” I start to reach for him, but he jerks his hand away.

“Don’t.”

He rushes out of the living room after that, and I can’t take it anymore. My clothes feel too tight. Too restrictive. I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin, and everything hurts. Even my hair.

I can’t do this.

I want to use. Desperately.

I let out a pained wail that I barely recognize and go to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I’ve failed them again.I fucked up. Again.

Who the hell thought I could be in charge of them?

I stand at the sink, looking at my reflection in the mirror and trying like hell to pull some air into my lungs, but it just hurts. Every breath hurts. I start to strip out of my clothes, thinking about what Phillip said about self-care last week.

Thinking about the stunning man momentarily lifts the pain creeping through my body, but only for a moment. I go to the tub and start the water, then turn on the shower as I pull off the last article of clothing and step inside, closing the shower curtain.

The warm water sprays against my skin, each bit of water feeling like pins pricking at my flesh.

How can I make this up to Rae?I don’t know how to take care of myself, let alone four minors.

My knees feel weak as I let the water rain down over me, my chest pumping with stuttered, angry breaths. I finally give in, letting my knees buckle, and I fall to the tub, the porcelain chilly but not cold.

The water pours over my head, and I plug the drain, letting it fill up. I try to relax my body, but every part of me aches as I switch the water from shower to regular bath and lean my head back against the tub. When the water creeps up past my neck, I manage to shut it off.

I think about leaving my siblings behind and what they must have felt. What they had to deal with being left alone with my mother and God knows who else for so long. I put it in the back of my head for so long—but it’s all assaulting me now. Did anyone hurt them? Did they cry for me?

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