Page 29 of Only Temporary

I wasn’t there.

I should have been there.

I sink under the water, closing my eyes and just barely leaving my nose sticking out. So far, this bath thing really isn’t working. When the water is so cold I can barely take it, I drain it and climb out of the tub, drying off in a fog.

I pull on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, then pad down the hallway to the front door. Grabbing my phone from the table on the way out, I close the door behind me and sit down on the rickety step, then dial the only person I can stand to think about right now.

Phillip answers on the second ring, sounding a little tired but not totally out of it like I woke him or something. I guess it’s not all that late. “Kellan? Are you okay? Are the kids okay?”

I realize I need to form actual words, but I can’t seem to. Finally, I force out what sounds more like a choked sob. “I fucked up.”

There’s a pause and then a deep sigh. “Where are you?”

“The front porch of my house. Hiding from the kids.”

“I’ll be right there. Please don’t leave.”

I nod my head, even though he can’t see me, and I hang up, staying put like he asked. I’m not sure how much time passes, but it can’t be very long before I see headlights, and then Phillip is climbing out of his car and walking to me, wearing almost exactly what I am.

I wonder if he was in bed.

“Kellan.” He sits down next to me, and I want to warn him about the porch, but he’s been here enough to know. He’s looking me over, his eyes assessing me with worry. So much worry, it makes me ache, and that’s when I realize he thought I relapsed. There’s a look of terror on his face as he searches my eyes. “Are you okay?”

“I’m sober,” I say first because I don’t want him thinking that way about me. I fucked up but not in that way. “I just messed up.”

I can see the relief hitting him, his shoulders sagging as he lets out a long breath. “What happened?”

“I forgot Raegan’s birthday,” I admit shamefully. “She’s fourteen today. And I forgot.”

His mouth parts and then closes again before he offers a sweet smile. “That kind of thing happens. Hell, they made a whole movie about it. Which also happens to be one of my favorites.”

I frown. “What movie is that?”

His jaw drops now, and he stares at me. “Sixteen Candles.” I shake my head, never having heard of that movie in my life. “Molly Ringwald? The Brat Pack?” I just stare at him blankly, and he waves me off. “Okay, well next time we hang out we’re going to fix that, but tonight we have to do something else.”

“What can we do?” I ask helplessly, wallowing in my own self-pity. I’m not surprised Phillip doesn’t seem to be having that at all. He stands up and reaches for my hand.

“What do you think Tatum is up to?” That question kind of surprises me, and I’m not sure why he cares about Tatum’s Friday night plans as I stand up.

“I don’t know. He had dinner with us but then went home.”

“You think he can come over and stay with the kids until we get back?”

I’m still a little confused as I stare at Phillip. We’re going somewhere? I think about our conversation last week about dating and self-care.Does he want to go on a date?I mean, he said we couldn’t go out on a date because he’s my social worker and a lot of other rambley, cute things that still make me smile, just thinking about it.

I wouldn’t be totally against it, despite never wanting a guy in my life—but I’m in a totally shitty mood right now. And I can’t go and enjoy myself while my little sister is hurting because I’m an asshole.

“Can you text him?” he asks.

“Where are we going?” I ask carefully. I like Phillip, but I’m a total mess. He knows that. No way he wants to date me because he said as much. And I never even admitted to being gay or straight or anything. It was like he was actively avoiding that specific question. Though he did answer mine about him being gay.

He is.

I can’t help but look at his sweet, full lips and wonder what they’d taste like. Feel like against my own. But my entire body is too numb to really get lost in that. Too tired. “It’s not a school night, and it’s not too late. We’re going to throw a birthday party.”

It takes my brain a moment to catch up, but when it does, I feel myself being slightly disappointed. Of course he wasn’t talking about a date.What the hell is wrong with me?

“Oh. Yeah. Okay,” I agree chaotically and send a quick text to Tatum, asking if he can come watch the kids for me. He responds almost instantly that he’s on his way, and I lock the door—knowing Tatum has a key and then leave with Phillip.

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