Page 37 of Only Temporary

Because I didn’t feel like he needed me, not to fix him anyway. I felt like maybe... he was trying to give me something.

And I really don’t know what to do with that.

SEVENTEEN

Okay, so kissing him may not have been the best idea. But I don’t regret it. Not even a little bit. But it was clear he was freaked-out.

Maybe I should be too. Kissing a guy. That’s new. But it’s never felt like that before. I don’t think I’m gay. I just always kind of thought I was nothing...

Until him.

Until that kiss.

That kiss changed everything. And now he’s here at the house for a scheduled meeting.

“This is weird,” Braylen says, and I can tell it jars Phillip as much as it does me.

“What is?” Phillip asks, a fake, calm smile plastered on his face.

“You were just here for dinner the other night and baseball cages, and now you’re here with your notebook, interviewing us. It’s weird.”

He’s not wrong. It does feel a little strange when he’s here officially like this. But at least Braylen doesn’t seem to have any idea about the kiss Phillip and I shared.

Phillip smiles for real now and kneels down to look directly at Braylen. “I know it can probably seem weird and blur some lines, but right now, I’m social worker Phillip.”

“Not friend Phillip,” Braylen says softly, his brain processing the confusing situation.

“Uh...” Phillip’s eyes meet mine briefly, and then he looks at Braylen again. “You guys are my last meeting today. So as soon as we get this done, maybe I can go back to friend.”

I watch my little brother as he seems to think it over, and I watch Phillip too—this has to be killing him. I know we crossed a line, and that’s likely on his mind, but I can see how much he cares about the kids and his job.

It makes me feel like a total prick for kissing him—yet, I can’t seem to regret it. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Maybe I’m more messed up than I even knew.

I went to a meeting last night. Not because I felt like using—honestly, I didn’t, not at all—but because I didn’t want to let Phillip or the kids down. I knew this meeting was coming up, and I wanted Phillip to be able to check that box when he asks if I’m still going to meetings twice a week.

So we go through the normal meeting process. Each of the kids meet privately with Phillip, followed by me. Although, I can’t help staring at his lips the entire time he’s asking me questions, and it’s apparent he notices.

“You have to stop,” he says quietly, so the kids don’t hear, even though they’re all in their rooms.

“I can’t.” I guess I’m done being subtle. I don’t know what’s happening to me though. I haven’t even been this—I guess obsessed—and that feels stalkery. I can’t stop thinking about him though.

“You have to, Kellan.” He’s using his serious voice, his eyes deadly serious to match. “That can’t happen again.”

“Why not?” I ask, and I know I’m being too bold, but I can’t care about that. I know what he’s saying—I get it—but also life is short. God only knows how many times I’ve already almost died. So many nights I spent lying on the floor, staring up at some dingy ceiling and wondering if it was going to be my last breath coming from my lungs and not caring.

Now—things aren’t quite as grim. This man came into our lives, and he’s only made it better. How can—whatever this is between us—how can it be bad?

He nods to his computer. “Questions. Please.”

“Okay. Let’s do this so we can get back to friend Phillip.”

He rolls his eyes slightly, but he doesn’t mind the teasing too much because he also offers me one of those sexy, sweet grins. We go through the usual—talking about AA meetings and work. How I’ve been handling everything. I have my friend coming over this weekend to fix the roof, and we’re going to tackle the steps too.

He finishes his report and closes the laptop. “Friend Phillip?”

He smiles slightly. “Yes. But just friend,” he reminds me quietly, just as Braylen bursts into the room and asks about food. He helps Phillip make dinner, while I stare at Cason’s math homework with him until we both get a headache.

Maybe Phillip can help with this later too.

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