Page 59 of Only Temporary

I like how honest he is. When he looks me dead in the eyes with no nonsense like this, I know in my heart he’s not lying. “I’m sorry. It’s just so... surprising. You always thought you were straight.” It’s not a question, but I kind of mean it to be.

“I never really thought I was anything.”

“What do you mean?” I let my hand rest on the soft fabric of his t-shirt over his hard abs.

“I never really thought about being with anyone. Or dating. I’d get bored or drunk or high and hook up, but I always thought something inside me was just broken because I wasn’t ever actively looking for someone. I didn’t want love—but I didn’t really want sex either. It was just sort of a reflex, I guess, but it wasn’t something I really wanted or needed.”

My heart breaks for him. “That had to have been lonely.”

He smiles at that, but his face remains sad. “I don’t know. I kind of liked being alone. It was peaceful. I watched my mom with herrelationships, and they were always so hectic and toxic. I knew I never wanted that. I was fine being alone.”

“And after you left?” I know he doesn’t love talking about that time in his life, but I find myself needing to know more and more about him.

“I still didn’t want to be with anyone. I never really felt that crazy attraction you hear about, you know? I hooked up when it was convenient, but I could take it or leave it.” He licks his lips, and his eyes land on mine. “Until you. I swear when I first saw you, it was like something just clicked inside me.”

Phew. Okay.I try not to freak-out too much, but my heart is racing, and I feel this giddy sort of happiness. “I felt it too.”

“I thought it had to be the stress.” He laughs. “But the more I got to know you, the more I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing you.”

“And it had never been like that before? Wanting someone like that?” I’m not fishing for compliments. I’m really trying to understand. Because I’ve lusted after men before, but it doesn’t sound like he has with anyone.

“No. Never. It’s weird, isn’t it?”

I smile sweetly at him. This man, I swear. I brush my finger over his lips. “No. Sexuality is this crazy awesome thing with no rules. And you’ve had some pretty significant trauma in your life. It makes sense you wouldn’t really want to be romantically involved.”

“It always seemed like too much work,” he admits and looks a little shy about it.

“But this is worth it,” I say, not a question because I know it is.

“Totally worth it. I’m crazy about you. I can’t stop touching you or thinking about touching you. Or just talking to you. I always want to be with you. I never saw any of this coming.”

I cup his face in my hands and move to straddle his lap. I know we don’t have time to do anything more, but I just want to be as close to him as I can be. “The feeling is very mutual.”

“Yeah?” he asks with a sly grin. “Because I think for the first time in my life, I’m in love.” The sincerity in his voice nearly cracks my heart right open.

I place one hand over his heart, and the other remains on his face. “I’m in love with you too.” I never thought I’d say those words again, but that’s absolutely what I feel for him. And if he can be brave enough to say it, even though I know it’s frightening for him, so can I.

I lean in and kiss him, tears welling up in my eyes that I have to blink back. I don’t want him to think I’m sad. I’m happy—even if fear is creeping up inside me.

I knew I was in way over my head even before we saidI love you, but now I know exactly how deep we are.

And I know I cannot lose him. It’s not just an ill-advised hookup or a little bit of naughty fun. It’s not a fling. We have real feelings for each other that aren’t going to just go away if something bad happens or if we’re caught.

Everything is at stake here.

TWENTY-SEVEN

I open the door to the elementary school front office, wondering if I’m ever going to have a normal heart rate again. I got a call when I was at work from Kieran’s school, asking me to come in. They didn’t give me any details, just that he was okay.

I immediately see Phillip is here, sitting in one of the chairs, waiting. Again, my heart nearly leaps into my throat. It takes my brain a second to catch up to the fact that he’s not here as my boyfriend but as our caseworker.

And this can’t be good if they called him too.

“Where is Kieran?” I ask the front desk.

Phillip stands, but he doesn’t say anything, and I wait for the woman behind the desk to answer me. “The principal will be right out, I promise, Mr. Rhodes. He’s okay though. Please take a seat.”

It’s nice of her to try to reassure me that he’s okay, but with my eyes not actually on him, I’m not going to believe it. I walk over to the chairs and sit down when Phillip takes his seat again.

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