Page 70 of Only Temporary

“I’m damaged, Kellan. I told myself I could fix him. I believed him when he said I could, and I feel like I’m a curse. Or like I’m cursed. I’m not good at relationships.”

“What I’m hearing and what I want you to hear...”—I say, cupping his face with my hands and sweeping away the tears with my thumbs, running them under his eyes—“is that you’re good. So good, you want to help everyone you meet. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not your fault. But you blame yourself, don’t you?”

“I don’t know what else to think. Maybe if I’d have walked away sooner, he’d have actually gotten help instead of leaning on me. I loved him, but it didn’t matter.”

“That’s because he didn’t want to change. He was selfish and wanted you to stay, so he guilted you into it. It’s great that you wanted to be there for him, Phillip. It’s one of the many reasons I love you, but it’s true that you can’t fix someone who doesn’t really want to be fixed. Who doesn’t want help. He used you. Your goodness.”

He lowers his chin and looks away, but I don’t let go.

“I fell in love with you not because of your strength—well, not just because of your strength—but everything else. Your optimism. Your bright smile that somehow makes me—a grumpy motherfucker—want to smile all the time. Your unwillingness to give up. I told you I wasn’t looking for anyone to fix me, and I meant it. That’s up to me, to grow and heal, but I can’t lie and say having you by my side doesn’t make all that a little easier.”

“I love you too, you know?”

I smile, feeling tears of my own welling up in my eyes. I didn’t know how badly I needed to hear that again when I thought I never would.

“I’m sorry I ran. I was scared. I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I don’t want to fail your family. I love them too...”

I smile at that, a watery laugh falling from my lips. “The feeling is mutual. I’m pretty sure Cason and Raegan are actually pretty pissed that I messed things up with you and you haven’t been around this week.”

He sniffs and then brushes under my eyes, removing my tear. “Cason was angry... so angry.”

“Because I lied to him. Not because we’re together. But he isn’t going to say a word. No matter what, when it comes down to it, it’s always going to be us against the system. And he can’t admit it, but he doesn’t want to go anywhere.”

“We have to fix this.”

“We will.” I allow myself to look at the future—one that felt pretty bleak this week but is starting to brighten because I know he loves me too. I can feel it. He’s such a strong, confident man that I think I forgot he has insecurities too.

That he needs reassurance. I press my lips against his and kiss him hard on the mouth, afraid to pull back at all. He cries against my lips, but he kisses me back, tender and sweet. “I love you, Phillip.” I reiterate because he needs to hear it. He needs to know it.

“I love you too, Kellan, but how are we going to fix this? You can’t lie to them anymore.”

“I want to introduce you as my boyfriend.”

“We can’t ask them to keep a secret.”

“I won’t give you up. I can’t,” I say honestly, and I’m willing to do anything to have him.

“Then I know what I need to do. I have to hand off your case, like I should have done from the beginning.”

“What? No.” Pure fear takes over. “You’re ours.”

He smiles at that, resting his hand over my heart. “I am. But I can’t be your caseworker. Trust me?”

“What if you get in trouble and lose your job? That was my one promise to you, and I won’t break it.”

“I’ll be vague and careful,” he assures me, “But if I do, I do. I’m all-in on this. I want you too. I can’t hurt those kids anymore, and I can’t not have you, so this is what has to happen.”

I don’t feel great about it, but I do need to trust him like he asked from the very beginning. And I do.

For the first time in my life, I’m putting all my trust in another human, and it’s not nearly as terrifying as I thought it would be.

THIRTY-TWO

I’m nervous as I walk into Margie’s office, but I also feel brave and ready to take anything that’s coming to me. Because when I was talking to Kellan, I realized that I was self-sabotaging. Maybe punishing myself for Pete, or maybe I really thought I didn’t deserve to be happy. I don’t really know, but I saw the love he has for me.

And I know I love him too. That we’re better together. That we’re the perfectly imperfect partnership, and that I wasn’t going to let it go. But I should have done this from the very beginning.

So I’m righting this wrong now, no matter what the consequences.

---