Page 22 of Burn It Down

“He burned dinner and brought Elijah to one out of two restaurant choices in town.”

She snorts into her drink but tries to cover it by taking a gulp. “Sorry. That’s just funny and could only happen to you.”

“Sooooo funny,” I deadpan, and she only laughs again, not hiding it this time. Although, my cheeks burn, thinking about how I laid into Kade. That’s not me. I keep my cool—always have. I don’t let anyone rile me up. Not even his friends in high school as they sent wave after wave of insults at me—well, what they thought were insults. In small-town adolescence—being gay is the biggest insult they can come up with.

The words they used were crude, and the things they said to me—about certain things a gay boy like me would love—were crass. Still, no matter how badly their words hurt or how mad I got, I didn’t fight back. I just silently wished they’d disappear, and then I did my best to stay far away from them.

But it was nearly impossible. I was their favorite form of entertainment. And while Kade was never actually around that I knew of, I’m convinced he had to have known what his friends were like.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Janelle asks, and she’s no longer laughing and having a good time. She’s worried about me, and I feel so small in that moment—thinking about how I let them all treat me. Not that I really had the option.

“Nothing. I just sort of let Kade have it.”

She cocks her head to the side, studying me, clearly confused and unsure what to say about that. “How did it go?”

“Awful. I’m pretty sure I embarrassed myself, and he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about.”

“You told him about the bullying?”

“I yelled at him and basically called him a liar when he said he didn’t know what was happening.” I shake my head, angry tears threatening to bubble up. I hate that I lost control like that.

“Don’t take this the wrong way because I’mTeam Spencefor life,”—she holds one hand up as if to calm a wild bull—“but areyou really sure he did? I mean, you said he never really saw you, so maybe he didn’t see them either. Maybe he really had no idea what kind of hell you were in.”

I think that’s almost worse, but I don’t express it. I feel like a total loser. They were the worst years of my life. I couldn’t wait to graduate and get away. It was constant hell. And if Kade had no idea about it... “You really think he didn’t know what kind of horrible people he was friends with for four years?”

She shrugs. “People see what they want to see and don’t see what they don’t. Maybe he didn’t know, Spencer. Maybe you should actually talk to him.”

“What’s the point?” I say, standing up and taking one final drink. “This was fun, but I need to get home.”

She stands up too, and I can see the pity in her eyes before she hugs me. Ick. I hate that. Not the hug—the pity. I don’t want to be sad little Spencer Bell. I put it behind me.

“I’m okay,” I tell her, even though I’m so far from it. She squeezes me again and then pulls back.

“I’m going to stay for a bit. Give the husband some more kid time,” she says with an evil smirk.

“Letting him handle bedtime is peak evil.”

She laughs. “I birthed them little monsters and do more than my share of bedtimes. He’ll be fine.”

I smile. “You’re damn right.”

She winks at me and then spins around on her chair, making small talk with a few people at the bar, and I head outside, happy to feel the fresh air on my face. That is, until I see Kade climbing out of his car.

He’s alone tonight, and I have the immediate instinct to duck behind something—anything—but I’m out in the open, and he sees me. His eyes lock on mine with a sad expression on his way too handsome face.

Maybe Iwastoo hard on him. He seemed so lost and confused when I was practically screaming at him—but I refuse to believe he was that clueless. It was a small school. We were a small class. He had to have known.

My humiliation was on display quite a bit and was often the talk of the school. I know because it wasn’t quiet talk. It was cruel snickers and pointing.

“Leaving?” he asks, walking up to me with his hands in his pockets. He looks just as lost as he did the other day when I yelled at him.

I nod numbly because that’s how I feel right now. It doesn’t feel good that I made him feel this way. It doesn’t feel good that I really let him have it. It should. Years of frustration were poured into those words. But what if he doesn’t actually deserve it?

Maybe he really, truly was just clueless. Maybe I was that insignificant to him. Was that really a crime?

“Yeah. Janelle’s inside though. I’m sure she’d love your company.”

“I came here to see you.” He shocks me with his admission, and I nearly stumble over my own feet, even though I barely had anything to drink tonight.

---