Page 23 of Burn It Down

“What? Why?” I ask suspiciously.

He takes a couple of steps in my direction but keeps a reasonable distance between us. “Because I can’t stop thinking about you. About what you said.”

I stand there, completely still for what feels like an eternity, unsure what to say. “Kade...” I start with absolutely nothing to follow it.

“Can I walk you home?”

I think my brain is broken because I’ve lost the ability to form words but do manage a sloth-like nod. I get a glimpse of a smile from him, and it nearly knocks me on my ass. He looks relieved that I didn’t turn him down.

I start walking, and he catches up to my side. “I’m sorry, Spencer...”

“We don’t have to talk about it,” I say, looking both ways before I cross the street with him by my side.

“I need to. I didn’t know that...” Air puffs out of him, and he’s quiet for a moment. “High school wasn’t a good time for me.”

I nearly trip again but regain my footing quickly. “What? What do you mean?” It almost feels cruel of him to say that. He was a golden boy. I mean, he wasn’t a jock—but everyone loved him. He was Kade Mitchell. Truly admired by the entire school—students and staff. “How can you say that?” I feel my anger ratcheting up, but I manage to keep it under control.

“I know it seemed like I had a lot going for me...” he starts, and I cut him off, stopping abruptly.

“You had everything.”

He looks stricken by that, his eyes haunted as he looks at me, his steps stopping as he faces me. “It was all an illusion, Spencer. All of it. It was like I wasn’t even there. I didn’t pay attention to anything because I was just numb.”

I shake my head at that, a cold chill running down my side. “No.” I shake my head again. “You were always the center of attention. Everyone loved you. Wanted to be you.”

“I would have traded places with all of them in a heartbeat.”

My jaw nearly hits the ground, and I start walking again because I just can’t stay still and process that at the same time. “Why?” I find myself asking as he joins me again.

“My home life wasn’t great. And I guess I kind of internalized it. I didn’t tell anyone.”

Shame curls through me, and my heart rate kicks up. “When you say wasn’t great...” I stop walking again and place a hand on his shoulder to get him to look at me and not at the ground like he was doing. “Do you mean abuse?”

He’s looking at me, but it’s also like he’s not. It’s like he wants to disappear, and I know that feeling all too well. “Not really. My dad left when I was young. My mom...” I watch his throat move with a hard swallow and can feel his emotions going haywire. “She just wasn’t good.”

“I’m sorry, Kade.” And I mean it. There’s nothing worse than terrible parents. Nothing.

“It doesn’t matter,” he dismisses it and starts to walk again, and this time, it’s me catching up with him. “Anyway, I’m sorry I didn’t see what they were doing to you. I should have, but I didn’t really consider them friends. I didn’t have any friends.”

It’s hard for me to wrap my head around this—to put all my memories of him into a different perspective. I was certain he had it all, but within a ten-minute talk, everything has shifted.

We’re getting closer to my house, and I oddly don’t want this to end. “It’s fine, Kade. I’m sorry I was so hard on you. You probably didn’t deserve it.”

That gets a small grin from him. “I probably did. Was it bad?” he asks quietly, and then I see him wince. “I mean, obviously it was. Bullying isn’t ever good, and you’re carrying it today, so I know it was bad...”

“It’s over” is all I can say, my throat tight with the anger and shame I still feel from those days. “It’s over,” I repeat more for myself than him this time.

“Tell me about it,” he says, and I’m already shaking my head in answer. “Please.”

His voice breaks on that one word, and suddenly, it’s like I can’t deny him anything. “It wasn’t that bad. I mean... it was. I don’t know. There were days where I convinced myself it was mostly in my head, but the things they called me. They’d take my books and hold them up high over my head, laughing at me when I’d jump for them. They’d shove me into lockers and holdthe door closed when I was trying to leave the bathroom.” I choke back a sob, and I hope I hid it well.

I know I didn’t when I feel Kade’s hand on my shoulder, stopping both of us from our walk. “I’m sorry I didn’t see it.” I’m about to wave it off again, but he takes me totally off guard when his eyes meet mine. Even in the darkness of the night lit only by the moon, I can see he means every single next word. “I did see you though.”

“Kade...” I shake my head because it doesn’t matter anymore. I was being totally ridiculous. It wasn’t his responsibility to see me just because I was a tad bit obsessed with him. It wasn’t his job to rescue me just because I’d built him up in my head as some hero.

It wasn’t fair to him, and I’m starting to realize I was taking it out on him because I could. After so many years of feeling so helpless, I finally had an outlet—one who didn’t deserve it.

“You think you were invisible to me, but you weren’t,” he goes on. “I saw you, Spencer. I was so jealous of you, I could barely stand it, and I was in awe of you. I don’t know how I missed everything else... but all I saw when I saw you was someone who was free. Who was unapologetically who they were. You didn’t play a part.”

---