Page 30 of Burn It Down

I guess I’m just going to have to repeat that over and over to myself until my brain finally gets that.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

I don’t know what’s happening to me. All I know is I don’t talk about myself—ever. I never have. I didn’t even with Megan—though she was the closest to knowing me the best.

But somehow, I just wound up spilling my guts to Spencer. I didn’t mean to do it. I hadn’t planned to. I thought I’d only tell him that she died in a fire—but then I opened my mouth, and everything just poured out.

Tori doesn’t even know the truth—that Megan left our son alone that night. She asked a lot of questions about how Megan died, but Elijah made it. And all I could manage to tell her through my grief and guilt was that Joe saved Elijah but couldn’t make it to Megan.

I know my sister had a lot of questions, but I was too angry and numb to answer them—and maybe part of me wanted to protect Megan. I knew how mad I was at her, and I didn’t want everyone else to be too, but somehow, I think I knew Spencer wouldn’t judge her.

He’s not like that. He has this uncanny ability to see things from every angle, and it’s something I admire. The world was socruel to him—I’m sure we haven’t even scratched the surface of that—but he’s still so kind.

I can’t help smiling to myself as I think about him when I climb out of the bunk at the firehouse and make my way downstairs. Bowen dropped Elijah off at school today, but it’s my turn to pick him up this afternoon, and I can’t wait.

Not only because I haven’t seen my son for twenty-four hours, but yeah... I’m looking forward to seeing his teacher too. I don’t know what to make of it really. I know I stared at him a lot in school, that I was enamored with him, but I didn’t think about it being attraction then...

Now?

I’m not so sure it’s not. I’m not going to lie, I’ve noticed attractive guys before—not necessarily wanting to fuck them or even kiss them—but I’ve noticed them. Spencer—God, Spencer—I can’t stop thinking about kissing him.

It’s set my whole world on its axis. I don’t know what it means or what I should do about it.ShouldI do anything about it? I’m totally out of my element. Who turns twenty-five and then all of a sudden becomes interested in the same sex? That’s not a thing.

I don’t think.

Honestly, thinking about it kind of makes my head hurt. And my stomach. And while, after spending time with Spencer and talking a little bit about his sexuality and his date—which I still hate thinking about, for reasons I don’t want to go into—I know he’s gay. Never been interested in women.

So what the fuck is happening with me? And would he be the one to talk to about it? I don’t know.That would probably be weird.

I head into Bowen’s house, waiting until I can go pick up my son, and am surprised when I see Bowen is awake and on the couch, eating cereal at two in the afternoon.

I laugh and sit down next to him. “Lunch?”

He shakes his head. “Breakfast. Just woke up, so it counts.”

I chuckle, but my brain is still reeling, trying like hell to come to terms with the feelings swirling around inside my head. I wanted to kiss him. I know I wanted to. I can’t deny it. After talking to him about Megan and the way he just listened to me with no judgment—I wanted him.

“You okay?”

“What?” I look over at Bowen, who’s watching me with concern... and amusement, I think.

“You look constipated.”

I punch him in the arm, nearly making him spill his cereal, but he has quick reflexes and recovers. “Dick,” I laugh. “I’m fine.”

“You sure?” He finishes his cereal, drinking the milk from the bowl and then taking it into the kitchen before joining me on the couch. “You can talk to me, you know? I’m no Tori, but I am your big brother.”

He actually looks serious, and I honestly think about it for a minute. “Have you ever known someone who was gay?” Great start, Kade. What. The. Fuck?

His brows pinch together in question, but then he seems to think about it for a moment. “I think Krisley is. Well I mean, I caught him with a guy in the bunk once, but we didn’t talk about it. The way the dude was moaning though, pretty sure they were having a good time.”

Dean Krisley is a gruff as shit firefighter who usually works the opposite shift from me—something I’m grateful for because the guy is an asshole. “Krisley? Really?”

He shrugs, his bottom lip poked out, and I know he doesn’t seem to care. Not that he should, but let’s face it—we live in a small town and work in a really masculine, testosterone-filled place. There’s one woman firefighter that I know of, and thatwoman is a saint, working with all the dipshits she does. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be gay and a firefighter here. Though maybe Krisley isn’t gay...

Shit. I’m a mess.

“Why are you asking me that? Because of Spencer?”

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