Page 35 of Burn It Down

“Because you’ve only been with Megan.” Not that that matters at all to me—though it’s really hard for me to wrap my mind around. “You sound uncertain about what you want, and that’s totally fine. You deserve to explore your sexuality, but saying you guess you aren’t straight... Kade.” My eyes close as I’m overwhelmed with so many reasons why we can’t do this. I thought it was just the teacher thing, but the more I think about it, he sounds lost. I don’t want to take advantage of him.

His hand grips my chin and tilts it up until I’m forced to open my eyes and face him. “I may have never explored my sexuality or really thought much about it because I was married and only had eyes for Megan. But it doesn’t mean I don’t know what I want. I know I want you, and I never saw that coming—but it doesn’t make it any less real.”

I actually gulp at the words coming from his mouth right now, and I can barely believe my own actions. “You’re my student’s father. Even if I thought this was a good idea, you’re Elijah’s father.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Fooling around with a parent? Not a good idea. It backfires quickly. And in this town? It’s not safe.”

“I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you. I know I fucked up in high school, but I wouldn’t...”

“Kade...” I say softly, bringing my hand up to his cheek. “I know that. I do. But you can’t control things. I say I’m out, but the truth is only one person at that school knows I’m gay. I’m terrified of what would happen if parents found out I was gay and they threw a fit.”

“Being gay isn’t wrong,” he says firmly and actually looks a little sick at the thought of anyone causing a scene over it.

“It’s not. But you know this town as well as I do. The claiming offamily values. A high school teacher put up a Pride flag in their classroom last year...” I drop my hand, my voice shaking a little. “There was a huge uproar. The guy was straight as an arrow but just wanted to be an ally. The parents threw such a fit, and the town got involved. He was harassed at his home—his house vandalized—and he moved away over the summer with his family.”

He looks pale now. “That’s...” He shakes his head. “That’s so fucking wrong.”

I nod in agreement. “It is. But it’s reality in these towns, and I can’t be reckless.”

“You went out on a date...” There’s confusion in his tone but nothing accusatory.

“I was afraid the whole time. I knew I could pass it off as two friends having dinner though.” I smile a little now. “Until some really hot asshole came in and made me stupid.”

He barks out a quiet laugh at that, shaking his head. “You didn’t seem scared at all when you told me in no uncertain terms that it was a date.”

“Because I knew deep down, I was safe with you.” And I only realize now how true that was.

He looks pained, his eyes on my lips, and I groan.

“You can’t look at me like that.”

He smiles, his eyes lifting to mine, knowing exactly how he was looking at me. “You’re safe with me.”

“I know.” I reluctantly climb off his lap, though, and put a few inches of space between us. “Hanging out as friends is okay. Especially since we knew each other before I became a teacher, but anything more...”

“I understand.” He looks grim and totally unhappy.

I miss his playful smile, but I know this is the right decision. We can’t do anything more.

Even if it kills me not to touch him.

Giving into this undeniable chemistry between us would burn both our worlds down.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

I can’t stop thinking about him. About his lips and his hands. It’s true, I haven’t spent very much time thinking about my sexuality. Hell, I spent a lot of time trying not to think about it. But after that kiss—or kisses—it’s all I can think about.

I was obsessed with thinking about Spencer in high school—I wasn’t lying. I wanted to know what it was like to kiss him. I thought he was just as beautiful then as I do now. I just didn’t let myself think about what that meant then, and I was in love with Megan. Even if I wasn’t scared shitless about what everyone would say if I liked a guy, I wouldn’t have acted on it or anything.

It’s clear he didn’t believe me at all when I said I thought he was beautiful, but I know it’s the truth. I’d give anything to prove that to him, but he shut it down. And I can’t blame him.

I didn’t think him dating a man would go over just peachy at school, but I wanted to believe, in this day and age, there wouldn’t be true fear of doing just that. But I could see on his face just how wrong I was. He’s the bravest person I know, but he’s also smart as hell and knows the reality of his world. We spent the rest of the evening on safe subjects, finding a series to binge on Netflix, and I kept my hands to myself, even thoughpart of me felt like I was going to die. One taste wasn’t enough, but I know I need to respect his wishes. We also didn’t talk about the ugliness of what being outed at his job could mean.

Legally, I don’t think they could fire him, but it doesn’t mean they couldn’t make his life hell if they wanted to. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. He has every right to have everything heterosexual teachers have.

It’s not fair, and it puts me in a shitty mood. Something even my son picks up on as I take him to school on Monday. “Why are you grumpy?”

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