Page 52 of Burn It Down

His eyes widen, and the excitement is gone. He rolls off me gracefully, and I feel the loss deep in my soul. “We can’t,” he says softly, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking over at me.

“I know he can’t know we’re together.” I sit up in bed too and face him. “But he doesn’t have to know. I can keep my hands to myself.” I try to sound playful, but I’m worried. I know how badly I want this.

I want to eventually tell my son about Spencer and me. I want him to know I’ve fallen in love, and I know Elijah will be happy about it. It might be a little strange at first to adjust to me dating, since he’s never known that, but I can’t imagine him being too upset. Besides he loves Spencer—loves school. And that’s thanks to Spencer, I know that much. He doesn’t stop talking about how fun his class is—how fun Spencer makes every single day. He’s adjusting so well to this town and to school, and I know it has so much to do with this man.

“He can’t know,” he says sharply bringing me back to this moment. He stands up and goes to the bathroom, coming back with a wet washcloth he uses to clean up. When he walks back to the bathroom, I follow him. He rinses the washcloth out and hands it to me. I clean up quickly, basically on autopilot.

“I know he can’t,” I try to reassure him, tossing the cloth into the hamper. “But you’re his teacher...”

“Exactly,” he says, waving his hands almost frantically as he grabs a pair of sweats and pulls them on. “That’s why he can’t know I’m fucking his father.”

I wince at his words, hating how crass it sounds, knowing that’s not all we’re doing but needing to confront him about it right away. I walk over to him, not caring that I’m still naked and face him head-on. “Is that all we’re doing?”

His mouth is drawn up in a tight line, and he crosses his arms, clearly agitated. He sighs heavily, but I don’t let him say anything.

Instead, I wrap an arm around his waist and pull him into me. “Because I’m crazy about you. This isn’t just getting off orfooling around. I want to be with you. And I know we have to be careful. I won’t risk your career, but I still want to be together.”

He doesn’t look happy—not like I’d hoped now that I’m finally telling him I have feelings for him. No, he looks really distraught, and I worry that maybe he doesn’t feel the same way. “We can’t let Elijah get wrapped up in this. I care about him too much to let anything hurt him.”

The fact that he cares so much about my son is for sure one of the many reasons I’m falling for him. One of the top reasons. My kid is everything to me, but Spencer is rapidly becoming part of that everything. I love everything about this man and just who he is—who he’s always been. I’m glad he doesn’t argue about what this is between us, but it still makes my stomach sink. “You still think this thing between us has an end date. Don’t you?”

“Don’t you?” His voice is shaky, his words cracking, and I know that he’s feeling every bit of the emotion I am.

“No. This thing between us—it’s real, and it’s forever.”

He pulls away from me, stepping back and shaking his head at me. “You can’t say that to me. It’s torture after wanting you so badly and for so long.”

I didn’t say it to scare him, but I’ve never felt this way before—not even with Megan. I have so many feelings about what she and I actually had—things I can’t really focus on right now. But this thing with Spencer—it’s real, and it’s deep. I don’t want him to push me away. “It doesn’t have to be torture, Spencer,” I try. “We can have this.”

I reach for his hand, but he jerks it away. “No.”

I drop my hand, staring at him in shock. “Stop telling me no. Stop telling yourself no. I know you want this too.” I sound as helpless as I feel.

“You’re a father, Kade.”

“What does that have to do with anything? Elijah loves you.”

“As his teacher!” he shouts and steps back away from me again. It slices right through me. “You have to think about how this can hurt him. He’s so young. And he’s been through so much already. He’s finally starting to adjust to his new life.”

Pain turns to anger quickly. “Don’t ever question my love for my son. He’s the first thing on my mind the moment I wake up and the last thing before I go to bed.” I don’t mention thatSpenceris the second thing on my mind in the morning and the second to last at night.

He steps into me now, his hand brushing over my cheek, and I flinch at the touch. It hurts too much to know he’s not fully invested in this like I am. That he’s using my son as an excuse. But I know he’s afraid too. His fear is valid.

“I would never question that. You’re an incredible father, Kade. I’m sorry.”

I look at his face now and see tears shimmering in his eyes. I know he feels awful. So do I.

“Forget it. It was a stupid idea.”

I remove his hand from my face and drop it, walking back into his living room to grab my clothes.

“I have to go.”

“Kade, wait.” He follows, but I can’t look at him. I don’t know how tonight ended the way it did, but I need to get out of here and lick my wounds.

“No, it’s fine. I have to get back,” I say and then head for the door and out to my car. No hug or kiss goodbye. No plans for the next time I’ll see him.

I hate that tonight started out so perfectly and crashed and burned so fucking hard.

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