Page 117 of Tobias

I’m shocked not only by his admission but the personal nature of it. This man has come across as distant, which is why the whole thing has felt like a business transaction and not a date.

“He’s, uhm…” Bradford clears his throat. “He only has a month or so left to live. He’s made me promise I’ll find someone after he goes, and so… here I am.” He clears his throat again, reaching for his whiskey, before adding, “Not that I’m looking for a relationship with you, but Andrew and I have been together for so long that I think I forgot how to do this.”

“You aren’t doing so bad,” I say, offering a smile.

He shakes his head. “I’m doingawful.”

I chuckle, and so does he.

“Well, you’re moving in the right direction. A smile is the way to go.” I lean forward. “I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this. I can’t imagine it being easy. Just remember that if living a life with someone else won’t be fulfilling or make you happy, then you don’t have to do it. Not everyone needs someone to make them happy.”

“May I ask you a personal question?” he says, after thinking a moment.

“You can, but it doesn’t mean I’ll answer.”

Smiling, he says, “Do you have a partner?”

“No,” I answer quickly.

“Why not?”

“I like my job,” I answer easily, the same way I do when someone asks me that. I ignore the fact that I’m dealing with a heartbreak, that is the exact reminder of why I don’t do the serious relationship thing. I made a mistake. I never should have let things with me and Theo go so far.

“That’s a practiced line.”

Oh, he called me out. Damnit.

“What makes you say that?”

“No one likes their job. Not unless they’re porn stars or zookeepers. And a job certainly isn’t worth more than having a partner to share your life with.” He leans back, tapping on the table with his pointer finger. “Someone hurt you.” I don’t respond to that. It's too fresh. His eyes narrow. “Iwas there once, too. Guarded. Walls up. Then I met Andrew, and he had the ability to walk right through my walls. Like magic.”

His words are hitting close to home, a little too soon. So I pick up my whiskey and shoot all of it back, gesturing for another when the server walks by.

“Sorry,” he says, watching me carefully. “I’m not trying to upset you or ruin this, I just… think love is worth it when you find it.”

“And when the person you love doesn’t love you back?” I say before I even think about what I’m saying.

For a moment, I thought Theo loved me. I thought he felt the way I felt. But you don’t lie to those you love and you certainly don’t hurt them. You don't take their biggest fear and shove it in their face.

Bradford regards me for a long moment, before saying, “Sometimes it isn’t them not loving you back, it’s them not knowing how to.”

Chapter Forty-Five

Theodore

“Theo, I’m just trying to understand…” Marianne’s words sound underwater.

We’ve been up all night, and though I was grateful for her being so calm over this entire thing, part of me wishes she would throw things and scream at me. Make mefeelhow badly I fucked up. I don’t deserve her kindness, and I certainly don’t deserve forgiveness from her or from Tobias. That doesn’t mean I don’t want it or that I won’t do anything for it, but I know for sure it's not what I deserve.

I knew I should have handled this whole thing differently, but I was just… scared. Of losing everything. But that happened anyway.

“I don’t know how to explain it to you when I don’t understand it myself,” I say.

It’s the same thing I’ve been saying all night. She wants answers; I don’t have any. I keep apologizing and saying the same thing in different ways. I get she wants to understand,but can’t she accept that I don’t have an answer? That I'm too fucked up over losing Tobias that the last thing I want to talk about is why I was with a man.

She sits beside me on the couch, taking my hand.

“Theo, look at me.”

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