Page 39 of Tobias

A dish gets passed to me, and I take it, putting some sweet potatoes on my plate before passing the dish to my mother. We do this until our plates are full of everything there is to offer. They cooked a large meal. My mother will have leftovers for weeks. They don’t need to go all out and make such a thing out of Thanksgiving, but they always do. Maybe because it was my father’s favorite holiday and my mother feels guilty, but he isn’t here anymore. She should have tried harder when he was.

I pick up my phone and answer Theo.

One sister. You?

“Dad would be so ashamed of you right now,” Molly hisses.

I look up at her, clenching my jaw. Those jabs hurt the most. I don't think anything I'm doing would make my father ashamed, but just her putting the thought in my head fucking hurts. I loved my father and all I ever wanted was to make him proud.

“Molly,” my mother warns, knowing bringing up my father is crossing a line.

“Well, it’s true. He’s being rude by texting one of his boyfriends at the table.” She jerks her hand toward me.

“Molly,” my mother repeats, shaking her head.

“The least you could do is act right for him,” she says.

My hands curl into fists. If she were a brother, I’d lay her out.

“Don’t bring up Dad,” I say calmly. As calmly as I can.

“He—”

“Molly,” Jason warns, glaring at her. Her eyes widen as she looks around the table at everyone, shocked.

“Oh, so you’re all going to be mad at me now?” she complains.

“Just eat your food,” Jason pleads, digging back into his.

Her gaze goes around the table, looking like someone just took a shit on her plate and told her to eat it.

It’s been a few years since our Thanksgiving ended in an argument. It was always for the same reason. She brings up Dad, I get pissed. Mom doesn’t stop it. It’s her guilt that keeps her quiet. I don’t even know why I’m here anymore. Maybe next year I won’t come. This isn’t worth it.

That is the sort of thing that would make Dad upset, though. He’d want me to try. He’d tell me they’re doing their best. I’d argue that they’re being unreasonable, and he would laugh and say, “Yeah, but that’s human nature, Tobias.”

If I had a family of my own I could have my own Thanksgiving.

That’s a stupid reason to have a family. Start my own so I can forget this one?

I can enjoy my father’s favorite holiday alone, but deep down, I know that won’t do. Not for him. Thanksgiving was the time to celebrate and appreciate family and everyone you love. He was such a happy guy, so supportive. He was the first person I came out to. I knew I could trust him with it and that he wouldn’t judge me. He kept my secret for years before I was comfortable enough to tell others. It’s not that my mother is cruel. She’s not. She was very loving growing up, but my dad and I had a special bond. The day he died, everything changed. Actually, I guess things had changed months before that too, but Mom won’t talk about that, and I stopped begging for answers. I’m not sure I could get the truth out of her with a gun to her head.

Two annoying brothers.

I eat as quickly as I can, then excuse myself. I wash my plate, wine glass, and utensils, leaving them in the strainer to dry. Then I head into the living room to sit on the couch and watch the football game.

How much longer do you have to suffer?

Two hours,seven minutes.

*laughing emoji*

You?

I could leave now, but my sister may chase me down. I’ll stay for another hour, I guess.

I have a date tonight.

I stare at my screen as the little bubbles dance and disappear. Dance and disappear.

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