Page 48 of Tobias

Doesn’t my happiness matter?

Of course it does. At the cost of my family business, my trust fund, myfamily, and Marianne. At the end of the day, she’s still my friend. We’ve known each other our whole lives. How do I give this all up for something else? Something the complete opposite? For a life I have no idea how to live? What will I do? How will I survive?

I guess there’s the off chance my parents won’t disown me, but that’s highly unlikely. I don’t even think it’ll be my sexuality that does it. They're the type that would research lavender marriages and give me a full packet on it. My sexuality isn't the issue here. Not having a tie to the Dumonte’s is what’ll dome in. Why that should even matter, I have no idea. They’re still friends, so what do they need a marriage for? I could never have a lavender marriage, but I feel like that's the direction I'm heading if I don't figure something out.

With a sigh, I grab my phone from the end table to check the time. It’s ten, so I’m sure Tobias is awake. It’s after I send him a text, just saying hey, I consider he could be on a date and I’m bothering him.

Hey. How’s it going?

I try not to think too much into the text. It sounds too polite. Too…stuffy.

Not bad. You?

Just got home.

From a date?

Yeah. It was kind of fun, actually.

I hate that. Like, a lot. I have no claim over this man, but I hate that he’s having fun on dates with other people. Especially after the two dates I had with him were kind of lame. I did nothing creative or fun. All the fun came from him taking me out after.

I’m a boring fucking person. What a shitty realization.

Do you think I’m boring?

I don’t know why I ask him. I trust his judgment, I guess, but also, he’s probably just going to lie to me to make me feel better. He’s nice like that. Though, he’s been blunt with me before, so maybe he’ll tell me the truth.

No?

Sorry. I’m just having a rough day.

And I can’t stop thinking about that kiss…

Tell me about it. What’s going on?

Just trying to figure my life out. How did you do it?

Figure my life out?

Yeah.

The fact you think I have my life together is laughable.

I roll my eyes, then type out another text.

You have two jobs. A house. You have fun all the time.

Yeah, if that’s important to you, then I guess it could be considered “figured out.”

You’re not happy?

I think back to last night, and the way his face changed when his friend brought up his ex. Brandon. So, he’s tried the serious thing before. It didn’t work out. Is that why he only dates people professionally now? Why he says he doesn’t want to settle down? Did Brandon ruin him? Or was it not something so awful? Did he just realize that life isn’t for him?

No, that doesn’t seem right. That look on his face… he was hurt by Brandon. Maybe even betrayed. This Brandon guy did a number on him and now he’s living with the trauma of it. It’s written all over him, if you look close enough. It makes me want to give him a hug and tell him that I’ll never hurt him, but that’s creepy since we’re only friends and barely know each other.

We’re supposed to be talking about you.

With a sigh, I explain everything. The only way I’m going to figure this out is if I’m honest. It’s easier being honest with Tobias than it is myself. So I tell him that I’m more confused than ever. I don’t know what to do. How do I decide if it’s worth it? Will the struggle of surviving be worth being true to myself?

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