Page 52 of Tobias

He nods, chewing on his bottom lip before saying, “Why aren’t you in a serious relationship? Why aren’t you married yet?”

I shrug. “Just haven’t found the right person.”

“Because you don’t take risks or…”

“I’ve taken plenty of risks," I say defensively.

He gives me another smile, it's sort of sad. “Yet, here you are.”

“My life isn’t all that bad, Theo.”

“I didn’t say it was. Your life is worthy of envy, Tobias.” Huffing out a humorless laugh, he adds, “Trust me, if we could switch lives, I’d do it in a second.” He snaps his fingers. “You’re scared too, though, aren’t you?” He looks at me again and I meet his gaze for just a second before I have to look away. “Not of the same things as me, but you are scared of something.”

“Everyone is afraid of something,” I mutter, staring at the ground.

“Maybe so, but not everyone allows it to control their lives.”

“My fear doesn’t control my life.”

“So, you are happy, then? You truly don’t care about getting married or having a family or settling down? You’re going to date guys for the rest of your life because that’s what you want?” he asks.

“How did this conversation turn into an attack on the way I’m living my life?” I defend, shoving my hands into my pockets.

His lips part, then close again. “Sorry. You’re right. I’m just…” He sighs. “I’m so fucking stressed out.”

It stays silent for a while. The only sounds are the cars passing by, the honks in the distance, and my feet on theground as I pace. Seattle is still very much alive at this time of night, even if this street is mostly dead.

“When is the wedding?” I ask.

“May.”

“Shit…”

“Yeah.” He huffs another laugh. “Six months left to decide what the hell I want to do.”

“Just a word of advice, but I think things will go much better if you make that decision sooner rather than later.”

“Maybe I’ll come out on New Year’s Eve. Really give in to thenew year, new mething.”

I chuckle, shaking my head. “So, you have your answer, then?”

“I don’t know. Maybe? All I know is my body has never reacted to a kiss the way it did with you.”

I ignore the way my stomach warms. It’s just a compliment, it’s not that big of a deal. It doesn’t mean anything more. At least, it shouldn't.

“I am a pretty good kisser,” I say, hiding my smile by wiping my mouth.

“I’ll say.”

As I stare at his mouth, I so badly want to do it again. If he weren’t engaged, I’d straddle his lap right on the bench over here and kiss him until he didn’t know his name. But heisengaged. He has a fiancée. In six months, he’s going to be married. He’s going to be someone’s husband. I willnotbe caught in the middle of that. I will not be the reason a marriage is destroyed.

I’ve seen guys like him before. I know how he operates. Though Theo is a good guy, it’s not his fault he is the way he is.Family is more important than your own happiness. It’s bullshit in my opinion, but if we all thought the same way, the world would be a boring place. It’s on the tip of my tongue to open up to him about my family. Let him know it’s certainly not perfect and I still get by, but I’m not sure that’ll help him. Also, I don’t really want to dive down that rabbit hole tonight. Somehow we keep getting on the subject of me when we’re supposed to be talking about him, and I’ve talked about myself enough for a lifetime.

I could tell him about Brandon and hope it’s a tale of survival. Letting him know that even when you’re down and low, you can still come back up. That I survived an awful time in my life and came back stronger, but… I’m not so sure that’s true. Before Brandon, I was definitely naive. I’ve learned a lot since we broke up, but the ways in which I’ve dealt with it aren’t the healthiest. I’m in no place to give someone relationship advice. So, I don’t share anything about myself and what happened with Brandon. I’m not ready to spill my secrets to Theo. Maybe I never will be. Because he’s not mine to share my thoughts with. He’s Marianne’s.

Chapter Nineteen

Theodore

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