Page 33 of Snapshot

“I’d rather we face things now than drag this out.”

I ignore the throbbing in my head that’s matching the pounding in my heart. A perfect synchronization of rapid pulsing. It’s my instincts telling me something bad is about to happen. Pretending like I’m composed, I ask, “Drag what out?”

“Us. You want to break up, don’t you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You arethe bestman I’ve ever been with. I’m in this. I promise.”

“Then why don’t I believe you?” he asks. He watches my face like he’s waiting for a tear. Some indication of my feelings for him.

“Please stop. You’re scaring me,” I say. “I’m happy with you, Alan. I swear.”

“Lennox,” Alan says again. His voice is oddly steady, and his face stoic. It’s as if he’s already accepted what I haven’t. “Tell me the honest truth. I know you love me, but what about a year from now? Five? Ten? How long can you hold out? Am I the guyyou want?”—he unsubtly glances at my phone again—“or the guy you’re settling for?”

My bottom lip begins to tremble. I didn’t expect him to peel back all the layers of my heart and read my secrets out loud. “That’s not fair. He’s your friend too. There’s nothing going on between Dex and me.”

“I didn’t accuse you of anything. And that’s not the question I asked.”

I place the back of my hand against my cheeks, feeling the heat that’s risen to my face. “I don’t want to hurt you.I never meant to hurt you.AndIwantto want this, really badly.”

Hooking his finger over his top lip, he nods. Disappointment clouds his face as my words must knock around his head.I want to want this…

But I don’t.

I was willing to pretend until the end of time to avoid the look on his face at this moment.

There’s serenity in the silence before we have to address the inevitable. So, for a while, we just sit quietly, feeling the warm wind brush past us in short gusts. I’m not enjoying it as much as I was before.

Eventually, Alan scoots a little closer and wraps his hand around the back of my neck, pulling me close. His hand is steady, and his breath is even. If he’s nervous, he’s hiding it well. “It’s okay,” he says. “I’m going to be okay.” He tenderly kisses my forehead, and ironically, it’s the most intimacy we’ve ever had. I should’ve known it would precede our end.

I give him a weak smile. “I’m not. How could you ever forgive me for this?”

“For what? Your honest feelings?” he asks. His smile is small, but he tries. “How about this? Do you want me to break your heart so you don’t have to break mine?”

And those are the words that shatter me. Because even when he stands to gain nothing, even when I’m hurting him, Alan is still taking care of me. Dependable, honest…safe.Fuck the universeand its stupid plans. Alan’s the perfect guy, and I hate my heart for being unsatisfied. This should be enough. More than enough. After a year, my feelings should’ve caught up. I tried my best to force them.

My dry eyes are starting to burn. I want to show Alan tears right now so he can see how much I care. But I’ve spent so long training myself not to. Crying is a reflex I’ve forgotten how to use.

My head suddenly weighs a thousand pounds, but somehow, I find the strength to nod.

“Lennox,” he murmurs in my ear. “I think our relationship has run its course. I want to break up.”

He pulls me into his chest, holding me tightly. My ear is resting against his heart, listening to the steady beats that are a far cry from the erratic skipping of my own. I nuzzle into him. I’m sure my makeup is staining his clean gray polo, but neither of us seems to care. For once, we’re locked in a precious moment of passion, even if this hug means the end.

It’s painful, but at least now I’m feeling something.

9

Lennox

There’s an almost purple-haired girl staring back at me in the mirror. You can hardly see the color against my dark hair, but right now, it’s the best I can do. All I have is cheap box dye. No way I can afford for a quality salon to do this properly. And the last time I attempted to bleach my own hair, it all nearly fell out. My friend Kallie was in a high-end cosmetology course at the time. She snuck me into her beauty school after hours and used all the best products to nurse my poor hair back to life.

She owns Vue Salon now, one of Vegas’ finest. I could probably squeeze in for a free service. She’s told me so many times that the door is always open for me. Back when she had Grover, her bulldog, I’d pet sit when she was out of town, and she’d take care of my hair for free. But he passed, and these days, I don’t have anything to offer in return, so I don’t want to take advantage. That’s how you lose friends.

I always dye my hair after a breakup, but this feels a little different. My breakup with Alan last week wasn’t spiteful. He even texted to check on me the day after. The day after that, I checked on him. He was the most mature relationship I’ve ever had. Perhaps I should’ve anticipated the most mature breakupas well. He even suggested I still take the concierge interview, but I passed. I told him it’d be too hard to see him.Half-truth.I really didn’t want that job. Now, I don’t feel as pressured.

Pound, pound, pound.

I freeze. That’s a knock I don’t recognize. It sounds angry enough that I hesitate in my tiny bathroom, unsure if I should answer the door. Then again, is it Grace? Maybe she forgot her key. I haven’t seen her in a few days, but that’s not unlike her. She’s never been home much in the two years I’ve lived with her. It’s like I pay half the rent but have a whole apartment to myself. A tiny apartment, but still.

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