Page 121 of Selfie

My throat closes with anguish. “Ruby,” I manage.

“Ruby?” Spencer asks in a high octave. “Sweet grandmaRuby?”

I gulp down my disgust. “Ruby has a hard time seeing her son for who he is. An addict. An abuser. Her perspective is the world happenedto him. She doesn’t expect him to take any accountability for his actions. When he hurt Elise, she told Elise to be a better wife and try not to provoke him.”

“What. The fuck. Who says that to a woman?”

“Peter was all she ever had. I think she needs him to stay a saint in her eyes. And now, Peter’s out of prison, and his past is catching up to him. They’re getting involved with ruthless crooks. Claire might be in danger and I don’t know what the hell to do.”

Spencer smooths the worry wrinkles on my forehead with two fingers. “You miss her enormously, don’t you?”

“I do. But I imagine she hates me now. I told her I’d come back for her and I can’t figure out a way. When it comes to family law, money has no persuasion.”

“What if I invite her over to see Charlie? You guys could talk.”

My palms rest heavy against the tops of her thighs, almost squeezing, like holding on to her is grounding me as I continue down the list of why nothing about this can be handled with reason or fairness. “Ruby is her legal guardian and has made it clear I’m not to have any contact. If she were to find out… And besides, I don’t want to use Charlie. I could never do that to her.”

God it feels good to talk about it though. It feels good to talk toSpencerabout it. I’ve been holding this all in for so long, I needed the relief. This helps. The care and concern in her eyes are genuine. The way she’s running her fingertips through my hair, comforting me.

“You’re a good man, Nathan. One who’s been through more than his fair share of pain. I’m so sorry.”

I cup her chin, steadying her face. I sweep her lips in a gentle kiss. “I’m in less pain these days.”

“Am I one of the reasons for that?”

I kiss her again, this time with more lust. I pull her bottom lip between mine and savor the feel of her softness—her warmness. “You’re not just a reason. You’re the only reason.”

Reluctantly breaking our kiss, she grabs my cheeks in both hands. “Thank you. For seeing me, even when I didn’t see myself.”

My lips brush her forehead. “We’re going to be okay.”

Spencer nods in agreement. “Anytime you want to see Claire, you let me know. I’m not afraid of Ruby’s reaction. My loyalty is to you. Say the word and I’ll bring her here.”

“Let me think about it.” It’s so tempting, but I’m still not sure how Claire feels.Three years. She’s not a little girl anymore. I don’t know what she remembers or what she thinks of me now. “Hey, this is random, but have you ever seen Claire with a golden locket?” I pat my chest where it used to hang on me. “It’s small and the chain is kind of thick. I know it’s a long shot but?—”

“Nathan.” Spencer’s eyes water, the reflection of the morning sun gleaming off her pupils. “Is it a locket in the shape of a heart? You gave that to her?”

I nod, hope swelling in my chest.

“She’s never without it. I know that locket well by now.”

Tightening my jaw, I try to control the tremble of my lips. All the emotion I’ve been suppressing for years erupts from the depths I thought I buried them in permanently. “Thank you for letting me know,” I say, weakly.

“My poor guy,” she whispers, touching my cheek. I meet her gaze and she drops her hand. “Or, I didn’t meanmyguy. I meant…well, actually I don’t know what we are. It was just an expression…”

“Just an expression? So you don’t want me to beyourguy?”

“No, I do. I mean, not yet. Unless you want to? Yes, if you want to, but if not…that’s okay too.” Her eyelids squeeze shut. “Oh my God,” she mutters to herself.

A crooked grin creeps over my lips. “You done?”

Eyes still closed, she nods. “Embarrassing myself? Mhm.”

I take her by the hips and scoop her off the counter. She lands softly on her bare feet. I undo the singular button that’s holding my shirt she’s wearing closed. Her breasts pop free and my mind goes blank. All the worry, all the stress, the pain—it’s lighter around Spencer. It’s easy to feel happy even in the midst of disaster.

“Come.” Clasping her hand, I pull her down the hall back to my bedroom. “Let me show you howyoursI am.”

40

---