Page 46 of Selfie

It’s hard for me to believe that a little creature who seems to prefer his food bowl be half pellets, half droppings could really recognize his name, but whatever. “Spike it is, then. Go get your backpack. We’re going to be late for school if we don’t leave soon.”

“I’m not going to school today.”

“Uh, yes, you most certainly are.”

“No, I’m not.”

Dear Mother Theresa, Gandhi, and Julie Andrews in theSound of Music,please give me the strength not to punt an eleven-year-old across my apartment. Massaging my temples, I ask, “Why do you think you’re not going to school today? Which you are, by the way.”

“Spike will be lonely. It’s his first week away from Babe. He needs support.”

Babe… The randy little minx that got us into this mess. Apparently these two can’t keep their furry paws off each other. If they aren’t in the same cage, they roll over, play dead, and screech for their lives—some real Romeo and Juliet bullshit.

When they are in the same cage, they’re quiet, but they reproduce.A lot.Not only that, but the babies are incestuous, so poor sweet Grandma Ruby was basically living in a guinea pig sanctuary for far too long. She eventually got rid of the babies, but after the vet told her there was a good chance Babe and Spike would die if they got spayed and neutered, the only choice was to put them in separate households.

And that is the story of how this squeaky, little, Snicker-colored asshole became the third member of our family.

“Charlie, he’s going to be fine.” Or more accurately, we won’t be here to hear his squealing.

Her eyes growing wide, she shakes her head slowly. “No way, Spence. I amnotleaving him when he needs me most.”

“How about we return him to Ruby and Claire? Voilá. Problem solved.”

“You can’t,” she hisses. “Spike was my good behavior present and you can’t take him back. Jesse has texted metwicesince you said he couldn’t, and I haven’t responded at all. I earned Spike.”

Welp, it seems as good a day as any to murder my ex-fiancé. He’s lucky I’m busy this morning dealing with a condescending punk of a boss who I’m sure is waiting to punish me with more silent treatment or another impossible task. I still stand by what I said to him in Tansy’s kitchen. It was the raw truth. If I get fired for holding up the mirror, so be it.

“Charlie, the bottom line is you have to go to school because I have to go to work. Put Spike back in his cage.”

I was expecting more lip, not for Charlie to burst out in spontaneous tears.

“Are you kidding me right now?” I ask in disbelief.

“He’s hurting because he misses Babe. Try to have some compassion.”

Compassion?She’s starting to use her English class’s weekly vocabulary list against me. Last week she told me a boy at school told her he liked her but she found him to be afatuousjock. I had to go look the word up.

“How did you feel when we left Jesse?” Charlie asks.

Relieved, free, elated, like I could finally think clearly.Charlie’s still adapting to the idea of life without Jesse, so I curtail my honest reply. “Sad, at first.”

“Right. So Spike is sad, and he shouldn’t be left all day at home by himself.”

I squeeze my lids shut so hard, my eyes water. “Level with me because we’re running out of time. Any chance you’re going to drop this? Or are you going to dig in your heels?”

“Consider my heels dug.”

Ugh!The way I’d like to mentally unsubscribe from my morning right now…

“Get me his travel carrier and his little diaper. I’ll take him to work with me today.”

My actual game plan is to bring Spike on a quick field trip in dropping Charlie off at school. If we leave right now, I’ll still have enough time to return home, pop the piggie back in his cage, then head to work. I’ll scoop him up before picking up Charlie. Problem solved.

It’s not lost on me that lately, the solution to my problems has been desperate, blatant lies. Gotta say, I’m not sure if I’m loving the new me in Las Vegas.

While Charlie looks on the cusp of accepting my plan, she still hesitates, squinting one eye. “You’re going to pet him, hug him, and give him lots of positive attention between meetings, right?”

“I’m going to keep him alive, Charlie. Don’t ask me for more than that. Now, skedaddle. Go get his carrier and your backpack.”

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