Page 84 of Selfie

For the love of God, Nate. Let it go. He can’t hurt you. I’m getting ready to go Fear Factor on your ass.

Me

Huh?

Spencer

Lock you in a cage with a thousand guinea pigs to help you conquer your fear.

Me

Literally the only thing you could do to get yourself fired.

Spencer

What’s the problem with the rodent ball?

Me

According to all these internet articles, you’re not supposed to put him in a plastic ball. Something about hurting their spines. Apparently guinea pigs don’t bend like hamsters.

She doesn’t respond right away, and I know she’s online researching my claim.

Spencer

Well, shit. I didn’t know that. I thought I was giving him a little freedom and exercise at the office.

Me

Oh please. Give it up, woman. You thought a rat in motion would freak me out more than one in his carrier.

Spencer

Moving on… Should we take him to the doctor?

Me

Guinea pig vet… Lamest medical degree imaginable.

Spencer

There aren’t piggie-specific doctors. Surely you’re familiar with veterinarians.

Me

Nope, never heard of them. I think Spike’s going to be fine. Just no more ball. Even better idea—quit bringing him into the office.

I already tolerate that little punk in my home. It helps that he stays locked in the guesthouse with the girls. I bought their pet a two-story rat castle to play in. I upgraded his food. He drinks pH-balanced alkaline water now. He should have no need to leave his oasis.

Spencer

I just looked up alternatives. Would you have issues with a medium-sized acrylic pen by my desk?

Me

Big problems.

Spencer

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