Page 62 of Book People

‘You’re being a tosser, Bas,’ Dan says succinctly. ‘Stop it.’

That’s one reason I’m friends with Dan. Not only does he put up with my idiosyncrasies, he also calls me out when I need to be called out. Not that it’s pleasant when he does, but it keeps me on the straight and narrow.

Now, I take what he says on the chin, even if I do slump in my seat and gulp at my pint. I’ll probably be drunk soon and that’s not a state I ever want to get into, not after watching Dad reach for the bottle the second the sun was past the yardarm, and sometimes even before that.

But I can’t seem to control myself at this point.

‘Sorry,’ I mutter. ‘I . . . don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what’s happening.’

‘Well,’ Dan says calmly. ‘I can tell you. You’re falling for her, Bas.’

I scowl, even if something inside me relaxes, as if it’s given up fighting. ‘No. I am not.’

‘You are, and you don’t know what to do about it, because you’ve never met anyone who makes you feel this way. And you’re emotionally constipated because of your upbringing and you have no idea how to handle it.’

‘Yes, thank you, Dr Freud.’

Dan shrugs. ‘Just a few things I learned from counselling.’

Dan sees a therapist once a month to discuss things to do with doctoring because he’s not good at compartmentalising.

That, however, is something I’m fantastic at. Maybe I should have done medicine after all?

‘I would rather not feel this way,’ I say at last. ‘I don’t like it.’

‘Have you ever thought . . . I don’t know . . . about giving it a go?’

‘Giving what a go?’

‘A relationship, Bas. Have you ever thought about . . .’

‘Being her boyfriend, you mean?’ I say the word ‘boyfriend’ with the contempt it deserves.

Dan rolls his eyes. ‘Fine, if you don’t want to listen to good sense then ignore me.’

I let out a silent breath and try to marshal my thoughts. ‘I can’t,’ I say. ‘I can’t be with her. We’re too different.’

‘Are you seriously kidding me right now?’ Dan looks at me with utter amazement. ‘Different? You’re the same, you cretin. You both love books, you both are intelligent, passionate, and utterly—’

‘The Blackwoods have a terrible track record,’ I interrupt, because I have to stop him somehow. ‘Every one of us has hurt the women we’re supposed to love. We’re drunks, gamblers, we cause nothing but harm, and Kate deserves better than that.’

Dan shakes his head. ‘Just because your father and grandfather were like that, doesn’t mean you have to be. Change the ending, Bas. You can do that, you know.’

‘Life isn’t a book, Dan,’ I say bitterly, because I know that all too well. ‘And some endings are shit.’

He looks at me for a long time, then holds up his hands. ‘Fine. If that’s the story you want to tell, you tell it like that. But don’t include Kate in your shitty endings, because you’re right, she doesn’t deserve that.’

‘No,’ I say. ‘She doesn’t. Which is why it was one night and that’s it.’

Though, of course, now I’m wondering if that night should have happened at all.

Chapter Seventeen

I am sorry, darling H. I cannot come tomorrow. Perhaps another day?

C

KATE

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