Page 74 of Book People

I appreciate his honesty, even as something twists in my chest. ‘Then perhaps you’d better be clear about what exactly “maybe more” means.’

He lets out a breath, his gaze searching my face. ‘Maybe more means maybe more sex. That’s all.’

‘I thought you said it would never be “just sex” between us?’ I know I wasn’t going to do anything to rock the boat, but I can’t help myself. I’d like this thing between us to be about more than just sex, but I’m not clear on how much more I want either.

I didn’t want another relationship; I knew that much when I came to Wychtree. In fact, I’d sworn off men for good. But then Sebastian appeared and threw a spanner in the works, and now everything feels uncertain.

I don’t like uncertainty. I grew up with too much of it, moving from flat to flat around London, depending on how much money my mother had at the time. Then Jasper and the constant state of emotional uncertainty he kept me in.

So when I moved to Wychtree, I told myself that this was where I’d put down roots, make myself a home.

That did not include falling for a man who definitely doesnotwant a relationship and yet is frustratingly unclear about what hedoeswant.

And, yes, I probably am falling for him.

I felt it last night when he held me against the bookshelves. When he pushed inside me and his eyes went electric blue. When I thought to myself that I never wanted this to end. I wanted him to look at me like that for ever.

I’m an idiot.

A complete fucking idiot.

‘That’s true,’ he says at last. ‘And it wasn’t just sex.’

‘Can’t we try this?’ I make an attempt to not sound quite so desperate. ‘It doesn’t have to be a relationship per se. We could just be . . . I don’t know . . . “friends with benefits” or something?’

He smiles at this and the tension in me releases. It’s a warm, natural, genuinely amused smile. ‘Friends with benefits,’ he echoes. ‘Is that what the kids are calling it these days?’

‘Try to sound less like you’re eighty years old.’ I elbow him again. ‘Actually, what we have is more like a “situationship”.’

‘That’s even more ridiculous.’

He grips my hips and rolls over, pinning me beneath him, which I suspect is his favourite position. He’s a bossy lover, but I like that, because he’s also a hungry one, and that means I get to be bossy as well. He allows me anything as long as I touch him.

‘Casual, then.’ He threads his fingers through mine and lifts my hands over my head. ‘A casual relationship. No-strings sex.’

I like the idea of that. Casual. No strings. No emotional attachments.

My heart protests, but I tell that bitch to shut up. She knows nothing. She thought Jasper was a catch and look how that turned out.

‘Fine,’ I say, gasping a little as he settles between my thighs, his hard-on pressing against me and sending the most exquisite bolt of pleasure through me. ‘I can do that.’

‘What did he do to you?’

The question sounds so easy and natural that, for a moment, I don’t quite know what he’s talking about. Yet there is nothing easy or natural about the intent way he’s staring at me.

Jasper. He wants to know about Jasper. Because, yesterday, in the heat of the moment, when I was so upset about my great-grandmother, I inadvertently let slip something I shouldn’t.

My stomach hollows. I haven’t talked to anyone about him, not since I left. Mum didn’t think much of him, but I loved him. Or, at least, I thought I loved him. And I thought he loved me. I thought that all the little slights and criticisms and gaslighting lies he told me were genuine. I thought they were him being honest and I knew that honesty was important in a relationship. Putting the work into a relationship was also important and you put the work in when someone matters to you.

I just didn’t see that I was the only one being honest, just as I didn’t notice that I was the only one who put the work into our relationship.

It’s embarrassing, and I don’t want to talk to Sebastian about it. Jasper only used words to hurt me. He didn’t hit me, he never raised his hand against me even once. I had no bruises, no marks on my body, and while I had scars, they weren’t physical ones. Not like what some women have to deal with.

Not like Kate.

Smart women these days aren’t supposed to let guys treat them that way. We’re supposed to spot red flags. We’re supposed to know what a ‘good’ relationship looks like, so that we’re not complicit in our own abuse. But you know what they say about not seeing the wood for the trees? With Jasper it was all trees. That’s all I saw and I felt stupid that I didn’t see anything else.

I feel stupid even now.

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