Page 75 of Book People

‘Kate,’ Sebastian says softly, and I know I’ve been silent too long. Already this is becoming a bigger deal than it needs to be.

‘Oh, he wasn’t that bad,’ I say eventually, trying to keep it light. ‘He just used to say things that were a bit mean.’

‘What things?’

‘It’s nothing, Sebastian. Honestly.’

‘You don’t like talking about it?’

I let out a breath, annoyed that he’s pushing. ‘Not really. He wasn’t very nice in the end and let’s leave it at that.’

Sebastian’s blue gaze searches mine and he stays silent.

‘I know I said that about knowing what it was like to be with a man who hurt you,’ I say, because it’s clear he’s not going to let this go. ‘But Jasper never hit me or anything, okay? Not even once.’

Sebastian doesn’t move, his fingers warm and strong, laced through mine. ‘He did hurt you, though.’

It’s not a question and suddenly the embarrassment and shame that rushes through me is almost choking. ‘Do we have to talk about this?’

‘No,’ Sebastian says. ‘But if you want to talk about it, you can. You can trust me with anything.’

The words get lodged in my heart and they stay there, vibrating, like an arrow shot into a target. He’s not going to make me tell him. He’s not going to insist. But if I want to, he’s here, and I can trust him.

It’s been a long time since I trusted anyone. A very long time. And as soon as I think that, all the words start spilling out, as if they’ve only been waiting for this opportunity, waiting for him all this time.

‘Jasper was lovely initially,’ I begin. ‘He said all the right things, treated me like a queen, and then . . . after about six months, he’d compliment me but then follow it up with something I could do to make it “even better”. I didn’t mind that, I wanted to please him, but then those things turned into little criticisms about my appearance or my cooking or my job. It wasn’t anything that awful and he never got angry or raised his voice, but . . .’ I swallow, feeling a familiar acid sickness settle in my gut. The same sickness I felt whenever Jasper made those comments. ‘It was a constant stream of criticism and commentary, making me feel as if nothing I did was right. He wanted my attention all the time, but only suggested going out if I’d made plans with friends. He’d tell me how much he liked being with me and wouldn’t I rather spend time with him, that kind of thing.’

Sebastian’s attention is all on me yet he’s silent, leaving space for me to talk and I like that. It makes me brave.

‘He never said outright when he was angry with me,’ I continue. ‘He’d joke about it instead, and when I didn’t laugh or I’d call him out, he’d tell me I was being too sensitive. Of course, when I actually wanted to spend time with him, he’d tell me he was going out with “the lads”. And if I protested, he’d tell me to stop being clingy.’ I keep expecting the acid feeling inside me toget worse, but for some reason, it doesn’t. As if the pressure of Sebastian’s gaze drains it all away, taking the poison from it.

‘I never realised how he’d manipulated me or how narcissistic he was until he wanted me to come to some work dinner on the second anniversary of Mum’s death. I said I didn’t feel up to it, and he got angry. Told me that Mum had been dead two years and I needed to get over it. Then I realised he’d gone through my contacts in my phone and deleted all my friends’ numbers.’ I take a breath. ‘It took me four years to understand that he’d been steadily isolating me from my friends and making my entire life all about him. Stupid, huh?’

‘Stupid?’ Sebastian echoes mildly. ‘Is that what you’d tell another woman in the same position? That she was stupid?’

A flicker of anger goes through me. ‘No, of course not.’

‘Is that what you would tell your great-grandmother?’

The anger abruptly dies, leaving me feeling cold as I’m brought face to face with the similarities in the first Kate’s life and my own.

‘But Jasper didn’t hit me,’ I say again, as if saying it a lot makes it okay. ‘It’s different.’

‘He hurt you.’ Sebastian’s fingers tighten through mine. ‘And just because you can’t see the bruises doesn’t mean he didn’t. It doesn’t make those wounds hurt any less.’

I swallow yet again, the acid inside me draining away until it’s gone. Until there’s nothing left but the ferocious blue of Sebastian’s eyes, and only then do I see the fury in them. Fury for me.

‘You’re not stupid, Kate,’ he goes on. ‘And none of this is your fault. You went into the relationship in good faith and he betrayed you.’ His voice deepens and I hear the same fury echoing in it. ‘If he ever comes near you again, let me know, and I’ll kick him all the way back to London.’

He’s not joking, I can see it in his face. He means every word.

Intellectually, I know it’s not my fault. Intellectually, I know Jasper was the one to blame. Yet that’s the problem with abuse. It sits in your heart, hooks into your deepest fears about yourself and undermines you.

Right now, though, here in this bed, with Sebastian’s weight on me, his fingers laced through mine, and the full force of his conviction in his eyes, I feel some of my own shame leave me. I don’t need him to tell me these things, but I appreciate that he did. It’s a support I didn’t know I needed.

‘Thank you,’ I say huskily. ‘So . . .’ I swallow away the last of my hurt and anger. ‘Do you want to keep us a secret?’

He raises an eyebrow. ‘From the village? I think it’s a little late for that.’

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