Page 82 of Book People

This wasnotwhat I was expecting and for a minute I have no idea what to say. ‘Um . . . Don’t you have an editor already?’

Lisa waves a hand. ‘Oh, yes. But I have a bit of clout these days. If I want a different editor and present the publisher with one, I’m sure they won’t be able to say no.’

I’m struggling to process this. I loved editing. I loved being in publishing and helping writers make their stories come to life. But after Jasper and Mum, I had to leave, and my escape to Wychtree had felt irreversible. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t be back, that I was going to make a new life for myself, a better life. I hadn’t ever thought that door would open again, and now . . .

Abruptly, Sebastian shoves back his chair and stands. Lisa and I look at him in surprise, but his expression remains impassive. ‘If you’ll excuse me,’ he says, in the most insufferably formal tones. ‘I’ll leave you two to your discussion. I have a few things to do. Let me know if you need any more help, Lisa.’ He glances at me, his blue eyes glowing, but says nothing. Then, before I can speak, he turns and departs.

‘My, my,’ Lisa murmurs. ‘He’s an intense one.’

I watch as he strides out, wondering what on earth made him leave, because something did. Was it the talk of love or was it the mention of editing? And does that mean he doesn’t want me to come back to his place tonight?

Lisa glances at me. ‘I put my foot in it, didn’t I?’

I hope my feelings aren’t plastered all over my face. ‘Oh no, not at all,’ I say, unconvincingly.

‘I shouldn’t have said “love”, should I?’ Lisa is far too astute for her own good. Then again, writers are good at observing people.

I fiddle with my dessert spoon. ‘Um . . . Let’s just say we’re not quite at that stage yet.’

‘Oh, but I thought . . . When you look at each other . . .’ She stops, then mutters under her breath. ‘He did say casual.’

‘It’s fine.’ My face is getting hot. ‘Don’t worry about it.’

But there is understanding in her eyes. ‘Difficult, yes? Him, I mean. I can tell. Men like that always are.’

I bristle, defensive of him. ‘No, he’s not difficult. Not at all. He’s actually a really wonderful man.’

Lisa waves a hand. ‘I’m not being critical, that’s not what I meant. What I meant was that he’s intense. Passionate. Men like him wear their hearts on their sleeve yet think they have the world’s best poker face.’ She picks up the cappuccino she’s drinking and takes a sip. ‘Clive was like that. Still is. They take a little bit of getting to know, but once you do . . .’ She sighs and a warm, reminiscent smile turns her mouth. ‘Well, they’re loyal. Honest. Protective. And so loving. They’re totally worth all the drama, believe me.’

I look down at my empty dessert bowl, my heart tight and sore. I know that already. I know he’s worth it. But what I don’t know is whetherIam. He clearly wants me physically and we have great sex, but . . . What else do I have to offer him? What else that isn’t endless sniping and argument? We both like books, it’s true, but so far it’s only been book talk and sex, and a relationship needs more than that.

Then there’s the question of whether I’m ready for a full-on relationship. I wanted a life of my own, that I’m in charge of, that wasn’t endlessly picked apart and critiqued, and where I’m not held hostage by my own emotions. Sebastian is strong, opinionated and demanding, and I’m not sure how I could cope with a man like that after Jasper. And I certainly don’t want to go tying my heart to anyone, least of all him. ‘I’m sure they are,’ I mutter meaninglessly.

‘Oh, they are. You know, I get the impression he’s very much like his great-grandfather. You can feel the passion coming fromthose notes he sent Kate, and Sebastian radiates that same passion.’ She pauses. ‘Especially when he looks at you.’

My cheeks are now flaming and I concentrate fiercely on my dessert bowl like a silly teenager, not wanting to meet her eyes. She seems to think she’s witnessing some grand passion.

‘He might be like him,’ I say eventually, putting my spoon into the bowl. ‘But that relationship didn’t exactly work out well.’ I push the bowl away and finally lift my gaze and give her a direct look. ‘Also, if you’re hoping to use us as some kind of inspirational couple, you can forget it. Sebastian’s right. We’re only together in a casual way.’

She doesn’t look particularly abashed. ‘Sorry, love. You know a writer, always looking for grist for the mill. I hear you, but I think you’re wrong. I think you’re both wrong.’

I decide to change the subject at this point, because the thought of Sebastian looking at me with passion makes me want things I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for, and I don’t want to talk about it now.

We discuss other topics for a while and then, after reiterating that she’d like me to think about that editing offer, and agreeing on a time for us to do a tour of the village the next morning, she excuses herself and goes off to find Clive in the saloon bar.

I slip out of the Arms and into the warm, summer night.

My thoughts are flying everywhere and refusing to settle.

Sebastian. My bookshop. Editing . . .

I don’t know what to do. I did love editing, but Portable Magic has always been my dream, and I’ve only been here for two months. I’m not ready to leave it. I don’t have to sell, I tell myself. I could get someone to manage it for me if I returned to editing, but . . .

I don’t want to do that. I like being in the bookshop, meeting customers and managing stock. Organising events and liaising with authors and publishers. I want to do all of that myself.

Then there is Sebastian and this casual-sex situation we’ve got going on. A situation where I’m afraid that my feelings for him are not the slightest bit casual. I knew that the moment he first kissed me.

My feelings for Sebastian haveneverbeen casual, and I’m afraid.

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