Page 87 of Book People

Once I’ve acknowledged it, said the thing out loud, there’ll be no going back.

I want to keep pretending for a little while longer.

My time for that, though, is rapidly coming to an end, because I know he’s already sensed something’s up. He keeps casting glances at me and frowning, and sometimes he’ll say, ‘Are you sure you’re all right?’ He knows something’s wrong, but he hasn’t asked me straight out, which means he doesn’treallywant to know. He wants to keep pretending, like I am.

‘Kate?’ a familiar, masculine voice asks.

I turn around.

A man has stepped through the hall doors and into the foyer. He’s wearing an expensive dark suit with a red tie, and his brown hair is brushed back from his forehead. He’s handsome and slick and he’s smiling.

He’s also a ghost from my past and I blink. ‘Jasper?’

His smile turns self-deprecating. ‘Yeah.’

I go cold, struggling to process what he’s doing here. Struggling to process his presence at all, because I was prettysure I’d seen the last of him when I silently crept out of our flat with a suitcase, leaving him lying in bed, still asleep.

How did he find me? I didn’t call him. I didn’t text him. I didn’t respond to any of his texts or emails or voicemails. I got myself a new phone and pretended he didn’t exist, because I was afraid. Not that he’d physically hurt me – violence was never Jasper’s way – but that he’d somehow get under my guard again, manipulate me, make it impossible for me to do anything but go back to him.

‘What . . .?’ I swallow then start again. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘Good question.’ There’s a touch of nervousness to him that I’ve never seen before. ‘I saw an ad for the festival and that it was at your bookshop and so I . . . Well, I thought I’d come and say hello.’

The shock of seeing him here is still echoing through me. This man was emotionally manipulative and subtly controlling, and now he’s standing in front of me with an intent look on his face and I have a horrible feeling I know exactly what he’s going to say.

Indeed, the next words out of his mouth are, ‘Look, Kate. I’m not going to get angry about you walking out. I know why you did it and I guess you had reason. But . . . I’ve been thinking a lot these past couple of months. I’ve been doing some work on myself, and I know I acted appallingly about your mum’s anniversary. So I’m here to apologise and to say . . .’ His familiar hazel eyes are full of hope – or at least what looks like hope. ‘Well. I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have said those things to you that night and I’m sorry. I want to know if we can . . . repair things.’

Repair things. Repair what things? He’s talking now as if what he said was the only terrible thing he did, and that our relationship was only a little broken and could be fixed.

When he first came into my life, I thought he was everything I’d ever wanted. He was handsome, had a well-paid job in finance, and was charming. He seemed like a stable, secure choice of partner, and that’s not to mention the way he initially treated me like a queen on every date. But then his true colours were revealed and now all I can think of is how he never called me beautiful the way Sebastian did when he first saw me naked. He never did anything to help me when I had a problem, the way Sebastian did when those books didn’t turn up. Not that I would have gone to him if I’d had a problem anyway, because I already knew he wouldn’t help me.

I didn’t trust him then, and I don’t trust him now.

Not the way I trust Sebastian.

There’s something clarifying in that thought and it makes me lift my chin. ‘What about all my friends you deleted from my contacts?’ I ask.

He waves a hand in dismissal. ‘I was helping you clear your contact list. But I acknowledge that I should have asked your permission first.’

My mouth is dry and my fingertips feel numb. ‘So you came all this way just to fix things? How did you find me anyway?’

He nods. ‘You always talked about how you wanted to own a bookshop and I . . . well, I confess I did a little digging and—’

‘You always said I should aim higher.’

His mouth flattens. ‘Again, I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have said that. I was insecure. You had a dream and I didn’t, and I didn’t know how to cope with that.’

I think he means it. Then again, I could never trust anything he said and I can feel again the familiar state of uncertainty he kept me in beginning to rise. The acid in my gut beginning to bite.

‘Jasper . . .’ I begin.

‘Please, Kate.’ He takes a step forward, getting closer to me, his expression open and earnest. ‘I made a terrible mistake and I want to fix it. I want to do better.’ His hand comes out and before I know what’s happening, he’s taken mine in his. ‘I miss you.’

My throat is tight. There were times when all I wanted was to hear those words and believe them, to be able to trust even one thing that he told me. But I couldn’t then and I know I can’t now, because now I know what the truth looks like. I see it every day in Sebastian’s eyes.

‘If he comes near you again, let me know and I will kick him all the way back to London.’

I swallow. I want to shout at him, scream at him in rage about all the things he did to me, but we’re in public and I don’t want to cause a scene.

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