Page 88 of Book People

‘I left you, Jasper,’ I say. ‘I left you for a reason.’

‘For the third time, I’m so sorry about what happened that night—’

‘It wasn’t just that night. It was the whole four years we were together.’

He gives a tight smile. ‘Not the whole four years, surely?’

He’s doing it again, minimising his behaviour. ‘Yes,’ I say. ‘Apart from the first six months when you lulled me into believing you were a normal person and not a raging narcissist.’

‘Kate,’ he says gently, as if I’ve said something incredibly unreasonable. ‘Come on. Don’t be like that. Like I said, I’ve been seeing a therapist and I can see how awful I was to you. I just . . . want to make it up to you somehow.’

‘It’s too late for that,’ I say, which is no less than the truth.

He sighs, runs a hand through his hair in a way that reminds me of Sebastian when he’s agitated. With Sebastian the movement is sexy and I know what I can do to ease his agitation, but with Jasper?

I don’t want to ease his agitation. I don’t want to smooth his hair. I don’t want to take his hand and plant a kiss on his palm, or wrap my arms around him and put my head on his chest. I don’t want to pour oil on his troubled waters and keep our boat steady and level, anything to make sure he’s happy.

I don’t want to do anything with him at all.

‘Please,’ he says. ‘Please, Kate. I . . . I love you and I always have and I just made the worst mistake.’

Does he mean it now? Again, I can’t tell. I never could with him. But then it’s not him I want and abruptly that becomes clear. Not that it wasn’t clear already, I was just lying to myself. I was happy pretending.

I’m not happy pretending any more.

‘Jasper . . .’ I begin haltingly. ‘I’m sorry, but—’

‘Kate, you left me. You didn’t even say goodbye. One moment you were there, the next you were gone.’

Reflexive guilt twists inside me, even though I know I shouldn’t feel it. Even though I didn’t do anything wrong. Making me doubt myself. ‘I’m sorry,’ I say automatically, even though I have nothing to apologise for. ‘I didn’t mean—’

‘It’s okay,’ he interrupts again. ‘I forgive you for that. But maybe I needed you to leave so I could realise what I’d lost.’ His eyes shine again with hope. ‘Come back to me, Kate. Please.’

He can’t possibly think that forgiving me for something I didn’t need to apologise for in the first place will make me come back to him. He can’t, right? But it’s clear that’s exactly what he thinks. He expected to come here, tell me these things, and that then I’d fall into his arms.

I was always so insecure with him and he took advantage of that.

‘I’m sorry, Jasper.’ I say the words clearly, politely. ‘It’s still over.’

He doesn’t move and he doesn’t take his eyes from mine. ‘For God’s sake, I’m trying to be better. And I—’

‘Kate?’ Sebastian’s voice cuts through Jasper’s like a hot knife through cold butter.

It’s a shock hearing him, because the last I saw him, he was on stage talking to Lisa. Yet when I turn around he’s standing behind me, radiating hostility, his blue eyes cold. But he’s not looking at me; he’s looking at Jasper.

His manner is oddly familiar and I can’t quite put my finger on why . . . and then all of a sudden it comes to me: he looks like Clive standing protectively behind Lisa, on the lookout for threats.

My heart beats faster. We’re ‘casual’, aren’t we? I know I told him what Jasper was like, and, yes, he was angry on my behalf, but now he’s . . . looking at Jasper like he wants to skin him alive. He must have caught the tail end of our conversation, which means he’d deduced who Jasper is. Great.

‘S–Sebastian,’ I stutter. ‘What are you doing? Isn’t the Q&A starting in a couple of minutes?’

‘Yes.’ He stares fixedly at Jasper. ‘I wanted to ask if you’d like to share theMCduties. Since this isourfestival.’ He says the word ‘our’ with a certain emphasis, as if he’s hurling it like a stone at my ex.

Well. This is fun. The foyer is now practically drenched in testosterone, and I’m caught like a sock between two growling terriers. No, on second thoughts, Jasper’s the terrier. It’s Sebastian I have to watch out for, because Sebastian’s a wolf, and even though he has no reason to be jealous or possessive, he’s now both. With fury tossed in there for kicks.

He looks like he wants to tear Jasper’s throat out with his teeth, and part of me wants to see him do it. Maybe I could even get in a few rips of my own, but with Lisa’s Q&A starting any moment, a fight is the last thing this festival needs.

‘Sebastian,’ I say firmly, deciding that a polite introduction should set the tone. ‘This is Jasper Price, an . . . old friend of mine. Jasper, this is Sebastian Blackwood. He owns Blackwood Books.’

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