Page 92 of Book People

Fuck. Maybe Dan’s got a point about the potato.

‘I can’t,’ I say eventually, every word feeling like it’s been dragged from the pits of hell. ‘Love is the . . . very last thing in the world that I want.’

Dan gives a gusty sigh. ‘I suppose that’s fair too. It’s not as if you’ve had great relationship role models in your life.’

‘The Blackwood men are flawed. We’re addicts and we fail those we love and—’

‘Yes, yes,’ he says impatiently. ‘You’ve sung that song before. But have you ever thought that maybe your dad and granddad weren’t so much flawed as not very emotionally aware? And didn’t know how to deal with their feelings?’

It was not, actually, something that I’d ever thought about. ‘No,’ I say in a gritty voice, because now Iamthinking about it, and, again, he’s got a point. Dad finding solace for his grief in the bottle. Granddad turning to the horses to deal with his fury about his father.

‘You should,’ Dan says. ‘Because you’re not any different. You come across as cool as a cucumber and everything under control, but underneath you’re one giant exposed nerve and you always have been.’

I do not like this analysis. Not one bit.

‘So?’ I demand sullenly. ‘Stop comparing me to vegetables.’

Dan shakes his head. ‘So, you feel stuff, but you tell yourself you don’t. You convince yourself you don’t, because feeling stuff, and caring about it, actually fucking hurts.’

He’s not wrong there. It does.

I glance over at my pretty rainbow girl once again, standing with Fuckface, and he’s still holding her hand.

‘Tell me something I don’t know,’ I snarl.

He notices the direction of my stare. ‘Bloody hell, mate,’ he mutters. ‘Stop acting like Mount Vesuvius about to erupt and do us both a favour. Go and talk to her. Tell her how you feel. And try to do so without being a dick about it.’

Kate and Fuckface are now walking towards the door, still talking.

I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t want to tell her how I feel. I want to keep chasing the lie I’ve built this little castle of casual on: that I don’t care about her, that our relationship could end today and I’d be fine.

But I won’t be fine, and I have to admit it. I have to own it. And it’s probably too late for me to end it with her without earning myself a mortal wound, yet I have to. I can’t live in this constant state of ‘casual’, and any other kind of relationship is out of the question.

All or nothing, and I’ve decided on nothing.

It’s easier that way.

‘Fine,’ I say to Dan. ‘I’ll tell her.’

Chapter Twenty-five

You know I can’t leave, H. Where would I go? And what will everyone in the village think? I would lose the teashop and that’s the only thing apart from you that keeps me sane.

C

KATE

Jasper and I come out of the hall and into the gravelled car park outside. Most of the people who attended Lisa’s session have gone, with only a few stragglers left, standing by the parked cars and chatting.

The session turned out wonderfully. I was hoping that no one would pick up on the tension between Sebastian and me, and no one did. Thank God. Or, if they did, no one said anything.

Jasper waited for me afterwards, as I asked him to, and now he wants to resume our little chat at the pub, though I’m trying to decide if it’s better to break the news again to him there, so he can drown his sorrows, or tell him now and get it over and donewith. Not that I care about his feelings; he never cared about mine.

He hasn’t changed. That much I do know, because if he had, he’d never have arrived unannounced. He’d have texted me or rung me or something, and he wouldn’t have said he wanted to ‘fix’ things. He would have said he was sorry for the hurt he’d caused and that he’d understand if I wanted nothing more to do with him.

But he didn’t. He turned up out of the blue, telling me he’d changed, that he loved me, that he wanted me back, thinking that I’d drop everything and throw myself into his arms.

That’s not happening in my lifetime and I know that now, because his presence has crystallised something for me, something I hadn’t wanted to face.

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