Page 93 of Book People

It’s not him I’m afraid of and it never was. He’s a weak, petty, selfish narcissist and he was never any danger to me.

It was myself I was afraid of. Afraid that I was weak, that I was stupid, that I was somehow complicit in the way Jasper treated me. That my emotions were weaknesses that he could use against me, and even that I deserved it somehow. But I didn’t. No one deserves to be treated that way.

When I got here, I thought I was done with men for good, but, as it turns out, I’m not as done as I thought.

There is one man I’m not done with and I’m not sure I ever will be.

A man who is the opposite of Jasper in just about every way.

A good man, no matter what he thinks about himself. A caring man. A passionate man. A man who might be aloof and reserved, a bit arrogant and a touch grumpy, but who has his heart in the right place.

He’s honest, always says exactly what he means, and even if he lies to himself sometimes, he doesn’t run me down or buildhimself up at my expense. He doesn’t make me feel as if I’m broken in some way or that everything I do is wrong.

He doesn’t make me doubt myself.

I always thought I loved Jasper and he loved me, but that’s not what love is, and I know that now.

Because now I’ve fallen in love with Sebastian Blackwood and I know better. He builds me up, while Jasper only pulled me down. He gave me back the pieces of myself that Jasper took. He makes me glad to be the person I am, not afraid. Not ashamed or embarrassed or guilty.

He told me the problem wasn’t me, that I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and he made me believe it.

I would have loved him for that alone.

I don’t know if telling him how I feel is the right thing to do, because telling him will change things between us, and those words, once spoken, cannot be unsaid.

But one thing I’m sure of right now is that I don’t need to be afraid of myself or the love that I feel. I’m stronger than that. I’m strong enough to see Jasper for who he really is, strong enough to walk away, and now I know that I’m strong enough to tell him I will never –ever –go back.

‘A drink, Kate?’ Jasper asks, and then, teasing a little, ‘Or do they not have the prosecco you like?’

Prosecco. I never liked prosecco. Jaspertoldme that’s what I liked and so that’s what I told myself too. I did everything he told me, because I was insecure. Because all my life I’ve never known who I was or where I belonged, and so I needed someone to tell me.

But I don’t need that, not any more.

I know who I am and I know where I belong.

I had a dream when I came here, but I wasn’t sure if I could achieve it, yet I did. I have my bookshop and, even though it’s early days, it’s going great, and I’m making friends with peoplein the village. I’m even finding out what I can of my own family history.

I’m in the building my great-grandmother owned and I’m running a business, just as she did. And I’m also in love with the bookseller across the road. But, like the first Kate Jones, I had an emotionally abusive partner.

She had a child, the first Kate, so that’s why she couldn’t be with the man she loved, but I don’t. She called herself a coward, but I don’t think she was. She was brave to stay for her daughter’s sake.

But I do need to find some of her bravery for myself, because I think I need to talk to that bookseller across the road. I actually think I need to tell him how I feel. I don’t want my life to end the way hers did, with a box of unsent letters and a broken heart.

He might not feel the way I do, and I’ll have to deal with that if he doesn’t, but I can’t not say anything. I can’t get myself stuck in the same pattern I was in with Jasper, too afraid to push.

This boat I need to rock is my own. And maybe that’ll involve me getting tipped out and getting wet, but I have to take the chance.

I have to. For me.

‘I’m not into prosecco,’ I say to Jasper. ‘I never was. I prefer scotch and the Arms doesn’t have the Islay malt I like.’

He gives that laugh I know so well, the one he always gives when he thinks I’ve said something silly that needs correcting. ‘No, you don’t. You like prosecco, the sweet kind. That’s what you always have.’

In the past when he said stuff like this, I laughed too and gave in. I never wanted to make a fuss over a drink. But now I give him one of Sebastian’s own gimlet stares. And I don’t laugh.

‘No, Jasper,’ I say very calmly, and with a certain amount of condescension, as if I’m talking to a child. ‘I hated prosecco. I only drank it because you told me I should and I was tooinsecure to disagree. But I’m not now. I’m a different person and I have a different life, and I don’t love you. I never did. And I don’t want to “fix things”. You haven’t changed. You’re still the same self-centred narcissist you always were, and even if by some miracle you’d actually become a better person, I still wouldn’t go anywhere with you.’

He frowns as the words penetrate and temper flashes in his eyes – he’s never liked being denied. ‘Kate, I went to therapy, for God’s sake. I worked on myself. I made myself a better man for you.’

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