Page 95 of Book People

I could stay quiet. I could let him say the words that are going to break my heart, but I decide to speak first. I let Jasper dictate my own feelings to me. I let him twist them, turn them into weapons to use against me. I let him make me feel as if the problem was me, when it never was.

Sebastian told me I didn’t deserve that and it’s true, I didn’t. I don’t deserve what he’s going to tell me now, either, but that’s his choice. His problem. It’s not mine. So I’m going to tell him what’s in my heart. I’m going to take charge by being vulnerable, by opening myself up. I’m going to be brave and let him knowhow I feel and, if nothing else, I’ll always have that. And so will he.

‘Kate,’ he says.

‘Sebastian,’ I say at the same time.

He inclines his head, because, at his heart, he is a gentleman. ‘You first.’

I put steel in my spine, and my heart is in my eyes as I meet his gaze head-on. ‘I don’t feel casual about you, Sebastian,’ I say, putting everything I’m feeling into my voice as well. ‘I never have. I thought I hated you at first, probably about as much as I wanted you, which was a lot. And then . . . I began to realise that it wasn’t hate that I felt. You got under my skin with your passion for books and your honesty and your willingness to bend when I know you didn’t want to. With the way you looked at me, the way you saw me. You got under my skin in a way no one ever has.’

The expression in his eyes has changed, turning into that electric blue that I love, and his hands have curled into fists at his side. The lines of his face have gone taut. They’re not welcome, these words, but I already knew that. And I’m not upset that I said them, I’m not ashamed. I think, for the first time in a long time, I feel as though I’m being honest, as though the weight of those unspoken words has been sitting inside me all this time, and now I’ve said them, I’m lighter.

Now I’ve said them, I’m free.

‘Kate . . .’ he says again, so much regret in the word.

‘I knew I was falling for you,’ I go on, speaking my truth. ‘The danger was always there, and now it’s happened. Ididfall for you.’ I take a breath and it feels as if it’s the first one, my chest expanding, my lungs filling with air. ‘And there’s nothing casual about it. I fell all the way in love with you.’

A muscle flicks in his jaw and he gives me the grace of his attention, not looking away as I say the words, even though I know he must be dying to. He doesn’t speak.

We’re standing close, facing each other like cowboys ready for a gunfight, and I’m the one who shot first. And I missed, I know I did.

For a second, though, I allow myself to think that maybe I didn’t. That I hit my target and that he’s going to surrender to me. That he’s going to tell me he loves me too and all he wants is for us to be together.

A vain hope.

Sebastian draws his weapon and shoots.

Clean through the heart.

‘I’m sorry, Miss Jones,’ Sebastian says. ‘Love is the one thing I can’t do. Not with you.’

Chapter Twenty-six

I know you’re afraid, but I will protect you. We could leave the village, go somewhere else. Not Europe, not now, but perhaps America? We could go to New York. It’s a big city, we could lose ourselves there.

H

SEBASTIAN

Kate’s face is white and I hate myself even more than I did already.

Dan was right all this time. I’m in love with her.

I had to admit the truth, the second I walked out and saw her talking to Fuckface, glowing in her rainbow dress, looking like an angel fallen to earth. Even if just to myself.

I’ve always seen her this way, right from that first moment when the sun caught in her hair as she peered through the window of what would become Portable Magic.

Fate, Lisa called it, except I don’t believe in fate. I don’t believe in past lives or serendipity. I don’t believe I’m my great-grandfather and she’s her great-grandmother, and that we’re destined to play out the same tragic love affair that they had.

I don’t believe I was destined to love her; I just did. But that’s the problem. I know people believe love is a positive force in the world, and maybe it is for some. But not for the Blackwoods, and not for me.

I mean, for Christ’s sake, the first thing I did when her ex hove into view was to punch him in the face, which isnotacceptable behaviour these days. That didn’t stop me, however, and perhaps that’s the problem. Perhaps I should have been born in an earlier time, at an earlier date, when duels were acceptable.

Except it’s not the violence that disturbs me so much as the feeling itself. The relentlessness of it. The force of it. The way it takes away your self-control, makes you crazy, turns you into someone you don’t even know.

It’s like an addiction, and the only way to handle addiction is to go cold turkey. Cut it off at the root and ride out the consequences.

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