Page 99 of Book People

Aisling releases me gently, then goes about the very British business of making emergency support tea. ‘That’s not what you want?’

I’m not going to tell her the details about Jasper, not yet. But I will.

‘No.’ I lean back against the counter, feeling a bit better. ‘He was . . . not a nice guy when I was with him. Anyway, he told me he’s been working on himself.’

‘Hmm,’ Aisling mutters as she puts on the kettle. ‘One of those.’

I sigh. ‘I used to think I knew what love was, but then he turned up and I knew it wasn’t him that I loved. I loved Sebastian.’

Aisling gets down the teapot from the cupboard, finds the tea and puts in the leaves. ‘And Sebastian was being an oblivious dick, I take it?’

‘I told him I loved him and he said I couldn’t, that he’d only disappoint me and that it was better if we weren’t together.’

‘Oh dear,’ Aisling murmurs, as the kettle boils and switches itself off. ‘He really is the stupidest man in creation.’

‘He’s not stupid,’ I say, though I don’t know why I’m defending him. ‘He just isn’t in love with me.’

Aisling stops her tea-making. Turns. Gives me the world’s flattest stare. ‘Are you kidding? That man has been in love with you since you got here.’

A shock courses through me. ‘What? Why would you say that?’

‘It’s obvious. Every time you’re in a room he can’t take his eyes off you.’ She pours the water into the teapot. ‘It’s like you’re the only thing he’s conscious of. Everyone’s noticed, believe me.’

I don’t know what to say. ‘But . . . he was angry when I told him how I felt.’

‘Of course he’s angry. He’s an emotionally illiterate man who doesn’t know what to do with his feelings, and you know men. Well, some men. When they have a problem they don’t know how to fix, they get angry. Especially if that problem concerns their emotions.’

I remember Sebastian’s face from last night. The tension in him. The fury in his blue eyes. The emphatic way he said ‘I am none of those things’ when I told him who he was to me.

‘Why the hell would you fall in love with me?’

‘I don’t know, Ash,’ I say. ‘I gave him all these reasons why I thought he was amazing and he . . . he was so angry about it. I think he doesn’t see himself the way I see him.’

‘No, he probably doesn’t.’ Aisling gets out the teacups. ‘He probably saw your reasons as a whole lot of expectations he can’t meet.’

‘They’re not expectations,’ I protest. ‘He’s already met them. He alreadyisall of those things. He doesn’t have to try being them.’

‘Does he know that?’

‘I don’t know. He didn’t give me a chance to explain. He just walked away.’

‘Hmm . . .’ Aisling puts the cosy on the teapot. ‘You didn’t go after him?’

Slowly I shook my head.

She frowns. ‘Why not?’

It’s hard to say, but I force the words out. ‘Because I didn’t think it would make any difference. He’s clearly decided.’

‘And so have you.’

Another shock goes through me. ‘What?’

‘You’ve clearly decided that you’re going to let him go.’ She goes to the fridge and gets out the milk.

‘I haven’t,’ I protest.

‘Haven’t you? You let him walk away without a fight.’

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