Page 30 of Hard Discipline

She’s distracting me, trying to hide her feelings from me, but I’m an old hand at this and I know what she’s doing. I shouldn’t have said anything about Gabrielle, shouldn’t have shared that with her, yet I did. And now it’s too late.

With you I feel found…

Fuck, the look in her eyes when she said that. She was… glowing, her whole soul in her gaze, and she let me see it. She held nothing back. And all I could think was that it’s been such a long fucking time since I’ve made anyone feel anything beyond physical pleasure. A long time since I’ve made anyone feel anything beyond grief and pain.

You don’t have to stay lost if you don’t want to be…

Her mouth on mine is hot and desperate, and I know what she’s trying to do. She said too much and now she’s trying to distract me, and I should let her. Because she’s starting to feel something for me and that isn’t supposed to happen. I’ve had subs who did even though I told them I couldn’t offer themanything more— these things can happen no matter how careful you are — and the situation always gets messy and painful in the end.

I don’t want to hurt Odette, and I’m a fucking bastard for liking how I made her feel. For seeing the silver flame of her soul burning in her eyes as she told me I didn’t have to stay lost if I didn’t want to be. And it’s such a beautiful, generous soul, too.

But there can be nothing between us. Not here, not with her. All I want is a sub for the night and that’s all I’ll ever want. I had a wife once and I loved her, but I’m a different man now, a harder man, a colder man. I won’t ever be anyone’s husband or partner again, and I don’t want to be.

So I take her offer of distraction, pulling her hands from my chest and sliding her off my lap. I don’t look at her, yet I can still feel the warmth of her hands against my skin, and it lingers like the heat from a burn.

I go over to the coffee table, looking down at the toys all laid out there.

I’ve been going easy on her so far, so perhaps now it’s time to up the stakes, show her who she’s really dealing with, make her see me for who I am. Which is not the grieving widower she needs to heal orfind,but a cold, dominating bastard who’ll push her unmercifully no matter how softly she looks at me.

That’s a poor reward for what she’s given you.

I ignore that thought. She gave me a great blow job, and now I’m going to blow her fucking mind. That’s not a poor reward. That’s why she’s here.

After a moment’s consideration, I note the lube I left in the box, then pick up the flogger. First a little light whipping, then I’ll fuck her in the ass. It won’t be what she’s expecting, and it might be too much for her, but she’s got her safe word. All she needs to do is say it and all of this will end, and she can leave.

You don’t want it to end, though.

No, I don’t. But it has to. For her sake.

I grit my teeth and turn back to her. She’s sitting on the couch, watching me with big eyes that only get bigger when they see the flogger in my hand.

“Get up and bend over the arm of the couch,” I order bluntly. “Quickly now.”

There’s no hesitation as she slips off the couch, going down to one end of it and laying herself gracefully over the arm. The rounded curve of her ass is in the air, her hair draping over the sofa fabric, her hands braced on the cushions.

I come to stand behind her, studying the arched bow of her body, noting the pink flesh I can see between her thighs and how wet she is. Giving me that blow job turned her on, and she hasn’t had any relief, yet. Well, she won’t be getting any relief soon either. I’ll push her as hard as I can, get her to safe word out, then I’ll let her go.

She’s shivering with anticipation and when I gently trail the leather falls of the flogger over her back and ass, teasing her, she jerks.

She’s so responsive. Finding another sub as honest and open and as beautifully reactive as her is going to be tough. But I’m sure there are plenty of subs out there who are. I just need to find them.

“This is going to hurt,” I tell her. “But I think you can take it.”

I begin slowly and gently, laying light strokes over the curve of her ass, going soft at first. She gasps and jerks at the first strike, but I don’t give her time to process it, I bring the flogger down again and again, the falls hitting the same place, building the pain. She cries out, her body shaking, her ass getting pinker and pinker.

You can’t punish her for telling you something you didn’t want to hear.

Something in me tenses, but I try to ignore the thought. I’m not punishing her for telling me how I made her feel, that would make me a piss-poor fucking Dom. I’m pushing her, yes, but only to?—

Make her safe word out? That makes you a piss-poor fucking Dom too.

I pause for a moment, ignoring the thought and ignoring, too, the tight feeling in my chest. I need to check her boundaries, that’s all. This is about her, not me, it’sallabout her.

Furious with myself and trying not to be, I glance down at her face to check on her. She’s got her cheek pressed to the couch cushion, her head turned to the side, and I catch the sheen of wetness on her pink skin.

Are these tears of pain and pleasure? Or are they from something more? Perhaps from me taking the distraction she offered after her confession? Me not giving her anything in return?

My chest is tight, a thread of self-loathing creeping through me. Fuck, I don’t want her to cry, not over me. I’m not worth anyone’s tears, especially not hers.

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