Page 31 of Hard Discipline

“You want to use your safe word?” I ask, my tone rougher than usual.

“No,” she says, her voice a thready whisper that pierces my chest like a fucking arrow.

It’s wrong of me to keep her here. It’s just fucking wrong, especially given what she told me about how I make her feel. Especially when she’s offering the same thing to me.

You don’t have to stay lost…

My chest aches. She shouldn’t be saying such things. She has no idea what she’s offering. She has no idea how many times and ways a heart can break until it’s shattered beyond repair. She knows nothing about anything, so why she should be saying this bullshit to me, I have no idea.

I stare down at her, trying to force away the feelings of anger and self-loathing. Trying to find the focused, hard strength of the Dom. “Don’t fucking lie to me, sub,” I growl.

She turns her head to the side, her cheek on the couch cushions, and her eyes meet mine. They’re dark with arousal and yet there’s pain there too. Physical yes, but it’s more than that. Iknowit’s more than that, because she’s not looking at the Dom. She’s looking at the man.

“I’m sorry,” she says hoarsely. “I should never have said?—”

“Don’t,” I interrupt, because I can’t let her think it was her mistake. “You don’t need to apologize. You did nothing wrong.”

She blinks, tears sliding down her cheek and dripping onto the couch cushions.

“It’s me who should be sorry,” I add, unable to stop myself. “Because there’s no way out, Odette, not for me. I have to stay lost.”

“No you don’t.” Her gaze is level and I can see a fierce determination burning there, seeing all the way into me. “Not if you don’t want to be.”

I can’t stand the way she’s looking at me. It’s like she can see past all the bullshit, see right into the heart of me.

See past all the lies you tell yourself.

I straighten, shoving the thought aside, gripping the flogger once again. I bring it down on her backside a couple more times, trying to find my center, trying not to let the coiling, toxic mix of anger and self-loathing in my gut get the better of me. But I can’t seem to find it. The cold, sharp focus of the Dom keeps slipping out of reach, which is dangerous.

Forcing myself to stand back, I let the flogger fall onto the floor.

She’s panting, little sobs escaping her, but she doesn’t move. Her ass is bright pink, the marks of the flogger standing outsharply against her paler skin, and between her thighs I can see how wet she is.

I don’t know why she’s letting me do this to her. I don’t know why she won’t leave. I can’t give her what she wants and she knows that, and yet she’s still here.

I move to stand beside her, looking down at her once again. She has her eyes closed, her lashes wet with tears, and the tight feeling in my chest tightens even more. “What the fuck are you doing, Odette?” I demand, unable to stop myself. “Say your fucking safe word.”

Her eyes stay closed. “No.”

There’s no give in the word. It’s hard, strong, determined. Just like her.

My jaw aches. The cold stone in my chest, the one that took the place of my heart, nudges its sharp edges against my ribs.

I don’t feel lost with you…

Jesus, what did I do to make her feel like that? Pulled her hair, flogged her, put nipple clamps on her, made her beg. There’s nothing about me that should have made her feel that way. Not one fucking thing.

You should send her away. Now.

I should, especially when I’m feeling like this. I should be fully in control of myself, because it’s dangerous if I’m not, and yet I can’t bring myself to tell her she should leave. I need her to do it. I need her to say her safe word, to give me the excuse to send her away. And it’s ironic that in the space of a few hours, the power balance has slowly tipped in her favor and I’m left with nothing.

Gritting my teeth, I pick the tube of lube out of the box before going back to the couch. She’s draped over the arm, her pink ass in the air. I flick the cap off the tube and squeeze some of the cool gel onto my fingers. Then I slide my hand between her asscheeks, finding her tight little asshole and easing a finger inside, spreading the lube around.

She jerks as my fingers touch her, then she gasps as my finger slides in and she’s squirming around on the sofa arm, shuddering as I manage to stretch her a little. “I’m going to fuck your ass, sub,” I say flatly, a current of rough heat in my voice. “And you’ll take me, won’t you? You’ll take all of me.”

“Y-Yes, Master,” she says hoarsely, her whole body trembling.

“You can say your safe word.” I work my finger deeper, leaning over the arm so I can watch her face as I do. “You know what it is?”

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