Page 70 of Finding You

“Hey! What the hell?”

“I’ve been watching you for the last few minutes and at first I thought you were maybe texting with Devin. Then I looked a little closer and saw you frowning,” Ashlynn began, calmly but firmly. “Are you texting with your mom?”

Ugh…why did I think having new friends was a good thing?

With a huff, she replied, “I sent her my phone number, okay? I keep waiting to see if she’s seen the message, but then I had to remind myself that there’s a time difference.”

“She also said that she doesn’t go on social media very often and that it was kind of a fluke that she saw your message.” Pausing, she handed MacKenzie her phone. “Look, I get why you don’t want to be the one to make the call first. But there’s a good chance that…”

The phone rang.

Her eyes went wide and her heart kicked hard in her chest.

Ashlynn glanced at the phone and then back up at MacKenzie. “Well? Answer it!”

All she could do was nod before walking off to the far corner of the tent. “Hello?”

“Hey, Mac, it’s Mom. I thought you were going to call me?” Her tone was sweet, but it still made her feel like she was being reprimanded.

“Um, yeah. About that,” she began hesitantly, and felt herself shrinking a bit with embarrassment. “It’s hard to really get someone’s tone from a Facebook message and I wasn’t sure if you were just offering up a conversation to be nice, so I figured…”

“You figured if I actually picked up the phone and called you, I was serious,” her mother finished for her. “I guess I can understand that.”

“I wasn’t trying to be bitchy or disrespectful…”

“I didn’t think that at all. I know you’ve got to be pretty desperate if you were willing to reach out to me after everything I’ve done.” She paused and laughed softly. “And I didn’t mean that in a derogatory way, MacKenzie. I just meant that…”

“I know, I know. I didn’t take it in a bad way.”

“But I’m right, aren’t I?”

“Well…”

Laura let out a long sigh. “I really am happy that you reached out to me. I am.”

“But…?”

“But…I’m not sure what a relationship between us would look like right now.”

“Oh.” And honestly, she wasn’t sure if she was offended or relieved to know that she wasn’t the only one feeling that way. “There’s a part of me that feels the same way. It really has been a long time and the relationship we had wasn’t great.”

“I was really messed up back then. Your father and I weren’t a good fit, and I focused more on that than you. I’m sorry about that. Actually, I’m sorry for a lot of things. Everything. You were just a little girl, and you didn’t deserve to be put in the middle of all my bullshit. I hope you can accept my apology.”

“Thank you.” Somewhere in the back of her mind, MacKenzie always thought getting an apology from her mother was exactly what she needed–that it would make everything better. And now that she got it, it still left her feeling…nothing.

“I can’t change the past; believe me, I would if it were possible. The thing is, Mac, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or say or any of it. I’d hate to think of you driving all the way across the country and then you find out that you were better off without me.” She got quiet for a minute. “And maybe you’ll be disappointed that you put in the effort for nothing.”

Letting out a shaky breath, she lashed out. “Is this your way of saying you don’t want me to come? Putting it all on me so it sounds like you’re doing it out of motherly concern? Because that’s pretty crappy. All I’m trying to do is hang on to the one scrap of family that I have left in this whole damn world! You would think the least you could do is let me come and meet my siblings and maybe have one stupid dinner with you! But no! You’re already looking to get out of being a mother again!” She snorted with disgust. “I should have known better! I just…I should have known!”

“Okay, okay, okay,” her mother said with a hint of panic in her voice. “That wasn’t what I was saying! I’m trying to talk to you–one adult to another–and tell you what I’m feeling! What I’m thinking! Do you honestly think it would be easy to open the door to you after all this time and knowing what I’ve done and then have you say how much you regretted coming? I realize it’s no more than I deserve, but that doesn’t mean I’m looking forward to it! I mean…come on! Would you?”

“It’s no different for me!” she snapped. “Don’t you think it’s slightly terrifying wondering if I show up at your house and you treat me the way you always have? Or worse, you do that while being the perfect freaking mom to your new kids?”

Laura sighed again. “This is why I felt like we needed to talk before you came here. You have a lot of anger, and I have a lot of anxiety about it. It’s going to be an awkward thing no matter what, but I’d rather we got everything out in the open so that maybe it will only be awkward for a short amount of time.”

Crazily, that made sense.

“I want to see you, MacKenzie. I really do. But we both need to be realistic about our expectations.”

---