Page 28 of Saddles

I know the answer, but I hate myself for it.

That girl in there, she’s broken like Sarah.

I never had the chance to save her, even though I’d have given my own life to do it.

But it was my fault.

This is karma coming back to rub my piss poor decisions into my face.

Flaunting my mistakes and reminding me that I’m a shit human for the choices I made.

I can’t do this.

Everything I’ve struggled to tamp down is fighting to come out.

My fist finds the wall.

Make the pain go away!

This isn’t fucking fair!

No one should have to live through this twice. It hurts too damn bad.

I failed Sarah.

I miss her.

It’s like I’m suffocating all over again without her. My throat burns from screaming, my hands are split and bleeding from punching the wall, yet none of it soothes the rending agony that surges through me.

All I can see is Sarah.

Broken in a pool of her own blood, lying behind a dumpster like a piece of trash. Her clothes ripped, her beautiful face swollen and purple as she took her last gurgling breath.

They did this.

I did it. I pushed her to be there.

And I’ve failed on finding all of the motherfuckers who did it.

I’m worthless.

Maybe I’ll get this girl to safety, and then just disappear up into these hills.

It’s all I’m good for.

Roscoe moves close enough to touch my boot with his paw, then whines.

“Fine. I’ll get her somewhere safe.” I scratch his ear with my stiff fingers. “And I’ll send you back to the ranch with her. How’s that sound?”

I could let Pepper out with the cows. She’s been on range before. She’ll be fine until spring when Mason comes out with the crew to round them up.

Yea.

It’s a good plan.

I’ll save enough whiskey that I can just fall asleep in a snowbank during one of these cold snaps.

Everyone will expect it. Sometimes, I think Mason is surprised to see me after I go through a rough patch. I’ve somehow survived every one of them.

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