Page 44 of Saddles

I wasn’t planning on getting hammered, but she’s pushing me to it.

“My bullshit tolerance has been drastically lowered in the last week.” She gives me a wry smile as she stands.

Plucking the food off the bench, she digs out a fork for each of us, then plops the hot pouch on my lap.

When she folds her legs back under her, the weight of her amber eyes sits heavy on me. “So, how long were you together?” Steam billows from the silver bag before she stabs into it to pull out some of the saucy noodles.

“Three years.” And each one of them was a rollercoaster.

Sarah and I were like fire and water, but the way we collided…we made a potent concoction.

“Whew. That’s a long time. Were you happy?” April slurps another bite, then hiccups. “I think I better have water next.” Her words are dragging as she tries to form them.

She can’t be more than a buck twenty. There’s no way she can handle a lot of booze.

Especially after starving for a few days.

Almost out of guilt, I continue.

“We were…mostly.” I take a long shuddering breath and pause to eat.

I’m not sure how to frame the rest.

No matter how I put it, I know I’m the one in the wrong.

“We’d argue…a lot I suppose. Well, we had a big one before, um, that night.” Damn, I’m tempted to drain the whole bottle of Jack.

April stops what she’s doing to focus on me. “It’s okay, Ford. No one is perfect.” She leans back, bracing herself on her hands. “What were you arguing about?”

“Hell, I barely remember. She was pushing for more. Wanted me to quit the ranch and work for her father as a mechanic. I think I know why in hindsight, but at the time I hated the idea.” I let my eyes close to gather my thoughts.

The alcohol is doing me no favors. I keep jumping to the moment Sarah stopped moving in my arms.

“Do you want to be a mechanic now?” April’s head tilts and one pale eyebrow lifts.

“Fuck no. But I get it. I have to be out on range sometimes for days depending on what we’re doing. She had a hard time dealing with that.” Crumpling the empty food container, I toss it in a low arc towards the garbage.

It misses and lands on the floor near Roscoe.

He gives it a sniff, then looks up at me.

“Leave it,” I growl half-heartedly.

With a little huff, he drops his nose back onto his paws.

“I’m confused.” April pokes at the remaining alfredo. “She wanted you home more, and you got mad?” She squints and shovels the last of it into her mouth.

“It’s more complicated than that. But, yea. I sound like the jerk. Well, because I am the asshole. I volunteered for those gigs away from the house. I met her right about when Mason lost his wife. So there was this part of me that felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy because he wasn’t. So I made sure to be out with him whenever he needed my help.” I hate this so much.

“Oh. See—” April points at me with her fork. “—that makes more sense. She was making you choose between him and her?”

“Fuck, it was starting to seem like it. She hated being at the ranch full time. I think she wanted us to move closer to her folks in town.” My mouth twists. “I wish we coulda just talked about it like civilized adults. But the whole thing blew up one night when she wanted to go out, and I had to take a load of calves toMissoula to get treated for scours.” I regret the words I said in anger that night.

I have dwelled over every single damn syllable since then.

“She told me to stay, let someone else go, or she was leaving. But Mason’s kids were barely teenagers. Fourteen or fifteen. None of the other hands could be trusted with the task.” A sour taste fills my mouth and I have the urge to spit on the floor.

Instead I reach for the whiskey and take another swallow. “I didn’t think about the fact I couldn’t trust them with her, either.”

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