Page 80 of Refraction

He finished off his toast and swallowed it down with some of his coffee, then hummed along too, but a full octave higher.

This was the good stuff, right? This was the stuff that made it worth slogging through everything else.

“Did you find the media room? It’s in the middle, without windows for movies. I took the chairs out and put in a bed.”

“No! I didn’t. How cool.” He’d put in a bed. Of course he had. “A bed instead of chairs. You’re my little hedonist. I like it.” He twirled a finger into the hair over Tucker’s sternum and gave it a very light tug. Just a tiny bit of pressure, though he knew Tucker liked it harder.

“Not much little about me. I like to lay in the bed and watch movies.” Tucker’s eyes twinkled for him.

“All right.” He unwound his finger and smoothed a hand over Tucker’s chest. “Time for my tour. I want to see what you’ve been working on.”

“I can’t. I’m sorry, but… I can’t let you see the new work. It’s ugly.” Tucker touched his face. “Please. I need you to believe that I’m a good man still. I need to just… keep my demons in the barn.”

Calvin set his coffee down before he dropped it. He was completely thrown and couldn’t say a thing, so he just held Tucker’s eyes, keeping that connection solid while he tried to get the rush of emotions under control.

Tucker watched him, letting him see…. God, what did all that mean? He didn’t want to mess this up.

“I love you. I’m a little afraid I’m not understanding exactly what you’re saying, and I’m a little worried I’m going to say the wrong thing here. So I just need you to understand that whatever I say, whatever you hear me say, comes from that place, okay?”

“Okay. I’m not painting you. I swear to God.”

Fuck, tiger.

So he had to hit this head-on, huh?Breathe. Don’t react, breathe. He’s worried. You can see he’s worried.

He got up, though, because they were sitting way too close for this much emotion, and he didn’t want Tucker to see his hands shaking.

“What you choose to paint isn’t up to me.” He spoke carefully, because the truth was still difficult for him to accept. He felt like they both needed to hear it again.

“What you choose to paint isnotup to me. That’s the really hard lesson I learned after you left. I don’t have to like your choices. I don’t have to approve. I don’t get to tell you what to paint and what not to. But if you love me, then I deserve all of you. You don’t get to decide what parts of you I get to see either.”

He moved close again, running a hand over Tucker’s shoulder. “I don’t know how to love you in pieces, baby.”

“I don’t want you to think my soul is ugly.” Tucker’s hand covered his. “I want to be fine for you.”

Okay. That was easier, right? He knew what to do about that. He straddled Tucker’s knees and sat down, tilted Tucker’s chin up so their eyes met.

“Try something with me? Close your eyes.”

Tucker lifted one eyebrow but closed his eyes without question, proving that the trust was right there, strong and unwavering.

Good. Perfect.“We had a lot of great days together in New York, but you remember the day we went ice skating? That was one of the best.” He pulled off his T-shirt and dropped it, then took one of Tucker’s hands in his and placed it on his chest. “The wind in your hair, you remember that feeling? The little bit of speed? How much fun we were having?”

Calvin remembered all of that himself and let his eyes close as his heart started to beat faster and stronger in his chest.

“It was the best day I’ve ever had.”

Calvin could hear Tucker’s smile.

“Me too. And to me, you were more beautiful to me that day than any day before. But it wasn’t just your smile and the way the cold air made your cheekbones pink, Tucker. It was because I asked you to try it, and you did. It was because you took my hands and just trusted me.”

He was smiling too. And he hoped Tucker heard what he was saying. He pressed Tucker’s hand tighter to his chest in case the feeling of his heart trying beat out of his chest wasn’t obvious enough. “You trusted enough to let me teach you, and you trusted that I wasn’t going to let you fall.”

Tucker’s fingers pressed against his skin, the solid hand trembling for him. “I believe in you, honey. Like your soul. You… you make things better.”

He opened his eyes. “Good. I want to. Open your eyes and look at me.” He held his breath. All he wanted was to see those eyes bright again, like they had been that day in Bryant Park. They had shit to work through, but for this moment, he was hoping, like the little painting sitting in his luggage, that maybe he could prove something to Tucker too.

Tucker stared right at him, right into him, and then Tucker’s lips twitched in a smile. “Hey.”

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