Page 94 of Refraction

“You’re right. You don’t have to be anything but in love.” Calvin put his hands on Tucker’s chest and played with the lovely curls. “You don’t have to be reasonable. You know I like how you look after me. I know I’m enough for you. It feels good not to have to work to be what you want.”

It was his career, though, and he was going to have to be reasonable. Or at least rational. Eventually. What Tucker saw wouldn’t get him a job.

“You are. You’re… my hope, huh?” Tucker held him, rocked him nice and easy. “I want to make it all go away. I can’t, but I sure want to.”

“You help a lot. You’re good for me.” Hope was good, but it could be dangerous too. “Just be careful about what you’re hoping for. And how. You know? I probably should have made some better decisions.”

Tucker shook his head. “No, I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“Well, I made myself sick hoping it would help get me that job and ended up losing a couple of days when I didn’t. That’s what I mean. Hope for the right things.” He leaned into Tucker, knowing at least that Tucker was the right thing to hope for.

“Ah. Yeah. I hear you.” Tucker’s hands were gentle, warm, loving on him.

He sighed. “I wanted that job. I wanted it so bad, Tucker, and I thought I had it. I really did. I know it’s ridiculous, but now I just feel ugly. Not to you, I know. But to me.”

“That’s not ridiculous. You… you work hard to make yourself look like other people need you to. When people talk bad about my work, about my art, I feel like a freak, like I’m dirty because they’re looking at my soul, my secrets. It hurts.”

That was exactly it. “I feel just like that. Like I put everything out there and they just….” Rejected him. He was trying not to be a cry baby about it, but Tucker hit it dead-on. A voice in the back of his head reminded him that it wasn’t about being good enough; it was about beingright. He wasn’t right for what they wanted. He’d get there, but now it was still raw today.

He nodded. “Yeah. It hurts. I’m glad you understand.”

“I’m glad you’re here with me.” Tucker kissed his temple. “I’m sorry it hurts.”

“You make it better. You make me better.” He sighed. “Okay. Enough feeling sorry for myself.”

“You want to go set shit on fire?”

He laughed. The last time he’d been at a bonfire he’d been sixteen and Jimmy Brandt had kissed him. “Yeah. I do. You think it will be dark enough by the time we’re done setting it up?”

“If not, we’ll get in the pool and cool off while we’re waiting.”

“Ooh. I can put on my bathing suit.” He stepped back from Tucker and gave him a smile. “You’re going to like it.”

Tucker’s bright eyes started to twinkle. “I can’t wait.”

Neither could he. Watching Tucker swim across that pool was inspiring, to say the least.

They loaded up the rest of the paintings onto the flatbed and drove it all out away from the barn. He’d lathered himself in sunscreen, but his skin felt like it was sizzling in the sun anyway. He actually didn’t mind it so much once he’d been out there a bit, he just sweated alongside Tucker as they hauled paintings off the trailer and set them up in a funky pyramid to burn.

Tucker kept reaching over to touch him, constant, easy caresses, as if Tucker was fascinated by his skin. He liked that Tucker was keeping him close, and the way Tucker’s tanned skin just seemed to absorb the sunshine wasn’t lost on him either.

He set one more painting on the stack, starting to feel a bit short next to it. “Almost done.”

“Then we’ll go cool off in the pool, hmm?”

“Works for me. I’m sweating like a pig.” Calvin was pretty sure his sunscreen was waterproof, although part of him was so ready to just burn. A little sunburn on his shoulders, his nose, the tips of his ears—he remembered how that felt, even if it had been a lifetime ago. Vermont sun was a little kinder, though.

He picked up one more and tossed it on top, laughing when it slid back down again. “I think I’m useless at this point anyway.”

“We’ll get you re-sunscreened, some water, and in the cold pool. It’ll be perfect.”

“It sounds perfect.” He perched on the edge of the tractor seat while Tucker finished up, just watching Tucker move and trying not to burn his buttcheeks.

Tucker glowed, and Calvin swore he could see the man’s tan getting deeper by the second. He could only imagine what Tucker would look like later in the heat and the glow of the fire.

“All done?” he asked as Tucker made his way back to the tractor. He hopped off the seat so Tucker could have it and then climbed in again to perch on his knee.

“You know it. Let’s go play in the water.” Tucker leaned in and licked the sweat off his neck.

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