Page 48 of The Sharpest Edges

“Come on. If it were reversed, I’d load you up. You know I would. Wouldn’t leave ya hanging if I could help it.”

He actually sounds sincere and it both grates at Dean’s nerves and makes him feel guilty all at once. Boone would add money to his commissary account if the situation were reversed. He’d go shopping for himself first, of course. Buy smokes and beer and order a pizza and then he’d send Dean a few dollars after he knew he was set, but the fact remains that he wouldn’t refuse.

Neither of them had access to their bank accounts from prison, so they were both out of luck back then, but now that one of them is out, the option is available and part of him wants to say yes. Help his brother when he knows he needs it, make his time in that dungeon a little easier now that he understands how awful it really is.

But then he remembers that he only knows because Boone made stupid choices that cost Dean his freedom and never apologized. Not once.

Silence hangs heavily between the phone line while Dean stews. The push and pull between acceptance and rejection wars in his mind when Boone pipes up again, even sadder thanbefore.

“Don’t need much, fifty bucks? Enough to not starve in here. Do me a solid? You and me, we’re all we got left. Ain’t nobody ever gonna love ya like your brother, Dean. Like your family.”

Dammit.

He feels himself cracking like a weak little bitch the moment Boone uses the word love, something he does so sparingly that Dean can’t remember the last time he said it. When their momma died, maybe. Or when he left for the army, dooming Dean to a life alone with the old man, guilt weighing heavy enough that he told his brother he loved him before he walked out that door. Not enough to stay, though. Not enough to protect him from what happened after he was gone.

Still, for most of his life, he accepted that the only person who could love him was his brother. Even if that love came wrapped in a twisted relationship, full of betrayal and a decent amount of hate.

“Ya there? Come on, man. You’re out now, living the life and breathing fresh air. Heard you even got yourself a lady friend, that pretty nurse that works here. Dunno how the fuck that happened but good on ya, ‘bout damn time you got your dick wet. Better tell her you ain’t got no idea what you’re doin’ so she don’t break you in half. Need some pointers? I can draw you a diagram and mail it over.”

Boone can’t help himself from being a complete asshole. All thoughts of caving and filling up his commissary account vanish into thin air at the mention of Ava. He should have known that given time and rope, Boone would hang himself with his own words.

“Not giving you anything. If ya wanted to eat more than slop and wipe your ass with good toilet paper, you shouldathought of that before you fucked up and hid a bunch of drugs in my goddamn car.”

He hits the end button on his phone without waiting for a reply, wanting to toss the damn thing across the room and hear it crack.

Dean spends the rest of his work shift trying to think about Ava and not his brother, but for the first time, thoughts of her don’t come as easily. Mixed emotions about Boone tug at him instead until guilt takes over yet again, familiar and reliable, telling him that the asshole piece of shit is still his brother.

Before he clocks out for the day he transfers fifty dollars into Boone’s commissary and feels dirty the moment the transaction is complete.

The relief he expected never comes.

Never again, he’s cutting Boone off cold turkey. Plain and simple.

He may be the only blood relative Dean has left, but one thing he’s starting to realize lately is that someone he cares for, someone he loves, and he loves his brother no matter how much he tries not to, isn’t supposed to make him feel like this. Awful, ashamed, sad and angry.

He can’t wait to see the one person who makes him feel ten feet tall.

* * *

Ava’s all smiles when he gets to her house later that evening, giving him a closed-mouthed peck in greeting and shoving the source of their problem last night into his arms.

“He looks good. Real good, don’t you buddy?” He says firstto Ava and then to the cat, who hangs half over his shoulder like a baby ready to be burped, purring and touching his wet little nose into Dean’s cheek.

Ava beams a smile so big that he can’t help but smile right back, so relieved to see her happy again after the stress of the morning. “He’s still a little snotty, but they said two weeks of meds and some special food and that’s it.”

She leads them into the kitchen, where he plops the kitten down onto the island and runs his hand from the top of his furry head to the end of his tail, watching his back scrunch up in delight. Maybe Dean’s not smiling anymore though because her words are concerned a second later, two coffees in her hand that she sets down in front of them. “Are you okay? You look somewhere else right now.”

The conversation with his brother still weighs on him, much as he wants to shake it, but risking her good mood with talk of that nonsense doesn’t sound like a solid plan. He can’t seem to completely dismiss it, though, not when she’s been so open with him about her own past. Telling him things that still haunt her, trusting him with secrets he thinks she might have been ready and willing to bottle up forever.

“Ain’t nothin’ important. My brother called, didn’t go well. Tell you about it later?” He’s trying for a compromise that doesn’t shut her out but also doesn’t lead them into a full conversation about Boone.

She pauses, clearly wanting to ask for more information but granting him space instead. “Okay. Later. I thought maybe we could stay in and watch TV tonight. Sound good?”

“I’m always down for movie night.” He’s handed a bowl of popcorn and they take up residence on her sofa.

“Any requests? Horror fan? Comedy? Porn?” she asks,scrolling through movie choices on the screen.

“Is this a trick question?” Logic says to pick the porn, but in reality what he wants is his own private showing, not random people going at it.

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