Page 103 of Until You Found Me

“Absolutely.”

* * *

Tessa wakes at two am three days later with a sob that rattles her bones. She was crying in her dream and now she can’t stop. She doubles over, tears making salty pathways down her cheeks and onto the bed.

Logan is quick to wake too, though she gave him little choice. He gathers her up with a gentle swoop of his arms and brings her back down, letting her adjust until she’s comfortable again and her cries sear into his neck. “Talk to me?”

“I think it just hit me that Rose is still gone. It’s been years, but it feels fresh all over again.” Those blunt edges of her emotions are razor sharp now that she’s had time to settle into a familiar environment. To feel safe, relaxed, and unguarded. It took longer than she expected it might, but now that it’s here, she wishes it would bottle up and tuck away again.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he whispers.

“Come with me to the cemetery? I need to see her, Logan. I need to talk to her.”

“Just say the word when you’re ready.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow.”

That was the place she wanted to take him when shemumbled out the request while high on pain meds and anesthesia. It may as well have been an entire lifetime since she visited her daughter in her final resting place and her grief only intensifies through the night, keeping her awake for fear of another nightmare, and pacing the trailer while wishing for daylight.

Eventually, Logan makes coffee and pours it into to-go mugs, rubbing a hand over her back while she stares out the window. “Let’s go now. We can watch the sun come up while we’re there.”

They leave the trailer at four am and she takes Logan to meet Rose two hours from the place she now calls home.

A thick blanket of snow obscures the small gravestone, icing her fingers as she and Logan clear it off. She rests her palm against the granite, brushing her thumb over the simple letters. “Hi, Baby. I’m sorry I was away for so long, but I’m here now.”

So many times she wanted to come and so many times Nick told her no. She stopped asking after a while. It would only upset him, so she forced herself to accept that she’d never be allowed this simple comfort. The urge to tell Rose that he’s finally gone burns like acid on her tongue, but she keeps it in. She won’t bring evil into this space.

“I want you to meet someone,” Tessa says instead, running her hand over Logan’s arm and giving it a squeeze. “This is, Logan. He saved my life more than once. I know you’d like him. I know you’d be happy that he’s here with me now.”

They picked up a small bouquet from a twenty-four-hour market on the way here and Logan lays the multicolored blossoms on the gravestone. “I’ll take good care of your momma, I promise. She’s taking care of me, too.”

“I wish you could have known her. She was funny and smartand so kind. It used to feel like I made her by myself because she didn’t have a single trait from Nick. I think you would have been such good friends. After she gave you a hard time, of course,” she half laughs. “Once she learned to trust you like I do.”

“I kinda feel like…” he hesitates.

“What?”

“I kinda feel like I got to know her through you. When you remembered her.” He shakes his head. “Sounds stupid, doesn’t it? I dunno what I’m saying.”

Her expression softens even further. “I know exactly what you mean. That version of her, the one we conjured up in the trailer that night, it’s the one I want to hold on to.”

When those bits and pieces started coming back, they weren’t entirely overshadowed by the horrific nature of Rose’s passing. Tessa had plenty of good moments to single out when so many awful ones remained hidden. Now, she has to make a conscious effort to remember only the best times.

“I hope someday…” She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. “That I’ll be able to smile when I think of her instead of crying.”

“You will. It’s okay to feel how you feel until that happens.”

“I didn’t get a chance to mourn her. Not really. I had to move on or he would be angry.” She wrinkles her nose in disgust. “How could I have done that? Blocked it all out? Just go on like it didn’t happen?”

“You didn’t have a choice, that’s why. You were trying to survive in that house. Walking on eggshells doesn’t stop when there’s a tragedy. The eggs only get easier to crack.”

He’s right, of course. She tries to let his words sink in beside her inner monologue that tells her she must have been suchan awful parent to let Nick keep her from fully mourning the loss of her child.

“I’d like to come back here every year for her birthday,” she says softly.

“Then that’s what we’ll do.”

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